IDIOT BOX FOXES

Well, as promised, I present my 10 hottest TV babes of my lifetime.

A few rules before we start.

This is a list of characters, not actresses, hence you'll find no Chrissy Snow on the list. While it's true Sue Sommers was banging, Ms. Snow was just too stupid to be around.

Also, these are shows that I have watched, so if there is some dame from ER or some other dopey show like that, you'll have to assume I didn't or don't watch that show. So here goes:

10. Jan Brady (The Brady Bunch): That's right, it says Jan, not Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Listen, when Jan was at that awkward age, she was a huge dweeb while Marcia was so hot even Greg (remember, they're not related) couldn't stop from checking her out. But as Jan grew (I think her stint at Haskell's Ice Cream Shop gave her lots of confidence) she became hotter than Marcia if you ask me. The proof is in the picture. Plus, she probably got so tired of hearing about Marcia in high school that, well, you know. The only thing I wouldn't do with her is ask her to handle any ingraving order.

9. Chloe O'Brian (24): I know, I know this dame is nuts and she always has a goofy look on her grill, but I gotta say there is something about her that gets my CTU going. Maybe it's her amazing computer skills (nah), her ability to be calm under pressure (nah), the fact that when she needed to, she whipped out a machine gun and killed some terrorists (yes). The only problem with her is she's got this friend named Jack and it seems everyone who comes around him (with the exception of Chloe) is killed violently. Oh well, it's worth the risk.

8. Kim Possible (Kim Possible): A high school cheerleader who hangs out at a Mexican Fast Food Joint, who's parents are loaded, and who can kick bad guy's arses all over the world. What is there not to like? She does hang out with a dweeb named Ron Stoppable, but, believe me, that cat ain't getting it done. When it comes to super hero's, she's the superest. I had to keep this one sort of clean, she's only 17.

7. Kelly Kapowski (Saved by the Bell): As if we all need any more proof how much of a dope Screetch was, he was more interested in Lisa Turtle while this was running around Bayside High (many times in a cheerleader outfit). Listen, I'm sure old Screech knew he had no shot with her, but for God's sake man, try it. Who knows, maybe he could've come up with some scientific way to poison Zach and Slater without anyone know it was him. Maybe he could've had his computer Kevin off both of them. Anyway, Ms. Kapowski was perhaps the best looking chick in any high school show ever, and this was before she got implants and moved to Beverly Hills. I wonder if Belding ever ... Nah, he was more clueless than old Samuel Powers.

6. Agent 99 (Get Smart): Hey Joe, you'll be teamed with a sexy partner, with a great voice, and great body and be facing danger at every turn. My response: "And loving it." My hormones would go into CHAOS whenever she hit the screen. I just wonder what she saw in a dude who was completely clueless and talked into a shoe. You see that a lot in TV.

5. Jeannie (I Dream of Jeannie): Who doesn't dream of her. I've always said if I ever hit the lottery, I'm gonna buy a huge hut and one room in that hut will look exactly like the inside of Jeannie's bottle. You know, the circular velvet couch with all the cushions. By the way, didn't it seem like Dr. Bellows was over Major Nelson's house an awful lot.

4. Natalia Boa Vista (CSI: Miami): If it weren't for her overly dramatic boss, Horatio Cane, she could be No. 1 on looks alone. The only knock against her is she doesn't seem to do much at work, which suggests she might think she's all that. However, if she arrived at my hut with her kit after an episode, she'd have no trouble finding my DNA.

3. Samantha Spade (Without a Trace): Yeah, I know, it's a show about missing people and kids and stuff like that. Well, you know what, when she pops up on the screen, I feel nothing is missing. Not only is she gorgeous, she's extremely smart. It's amazing how many hot chicks work for the FBI. Only bad thing, the Feds don't let her dress up like this at work.

2. Catwoman (Batman): I never rooted against Batman, except when he came across this purrrfect specimen. Now while the black Catwoman was hot, nothing topped the one pictured here. Holy Hottie I cried every time I saw her. If I could see in the TV listings it was a Catwoman episode on that day I would fake a fever to stay home from school. However, by the time she hit the screen with that skin-tight suit and that voice of hers, I had a real fever and was heading for the bat pole everytime.

1. Jamie Sommers (The Bionic Woman): A strange No. 1 pick you say. Screw you, I say. She was my first love. From her bionic hand (hey-now) to the way she brushed her hair back when she needed to use the bionic ear (as if any hair would block a sound from 3 miles away) she had it all. Plus, despite a 6-million dollar man running around, she was single. What sold it for me was the episode when - while doing some undercover work at the Miss America Pageant, she sang "Feelings." I'm sure with that bionic ear of her should could hear me saying "I love you" through the TV screen.

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed it. Now I can go back to mourning Barbaro. If the government had any class they would make Jan. 27 a national holiday to honor this great champion. I mean, who cares about the 1,000s of soldiers dying in Iraq, this was a special horse who got better treatment at a hospital than most humans do. A tragic loss indeed. I was glued to the TV all day watching the coverage. Well, I'll drop this now, I don't want to beat a dead horse.

Beer count at 5.