IT'S IN THE A-HOLE

Well, I'm back from the weekend of golf. It was great. Thanks to mother nature, we only got in 34 holes. Due to cold temps, our first tee time was pushed back about two hours. And then our second tee time was pushed back 2 hours as well, so we played 16 in the morning and 18 in the afternoon. Believe me, it was enough. High winds, cool temps and shitty golf are not a good mix for wanting to keep playing. The weekend also included me nearly getting in my first bar fight - twice, but good timing and me actually thinking straight avoided that happening.

Anyway, instead of rehashing every bad shot, and every awful decision by me - both on and off the course - we are going to play a little game from the weekend, called, name the A-hole.

Yes, I will give you a few candidates from the people we ran into this weekend, and you, the readers of FNC will get to voice your opinion on who was the biggest A-hole we ran into.


THE STARTER: This is the dude who sort of runs the on-course stuff at the first course. Well, me and my brother Torry aren't at the course for 3 minutes and he quickly confiscates our beverage bag, telling us they are not allowed on the course. OK, if it's July 15, and there are 100s of people on the course, you don't want everyone bringing their own stuff out there. But we were literally the only two dudes on the course. Anyway, let's just say the only tip the dude got was to go home and have intercourse with himself. It gets worse. On about the 8th hole, I get a call from our third dude who's coming up and I warn him about bringing a bag near the starter. He's OK with that, but he gets snagged when the starter catches him loading beers into his golf bag in the parking lot and confiscates his bag. It gets even more worse. As we are back in the parking lot getting ready to head to our second T-time, we ask the dude if he can call the second place (which is all run by the same chain, so he works for them, too) and tell them we are a few minutes late, but are on our way. He says he can't. He then comes down to the parking lot and catches us putting tastes and ice into our golf bags. He gives us a dirty look and leaves. Of course, when we get to the second course, they say they didn't get a call about being on time for our tee-time, but did get a call about us being trouble makers and they will be keeping an eye on us. So therefore, tastes on the second course had to be had very secretly. Thanks starter dude, your a-hole candidate No. 1



2. THE WAITRESS: After our second round on Saturday, we were very tired, cold and hungry, so headed to a local restaurant, which, I believe is named after that Philly band that did "All You Zombies" and "And We Danced." Anyway, as we are walking into the joint we see one pretty hot waitress smack another hot waitress right in the arse. NICE. It then turns out she's our waitress, and when she comes to get our drink order, she pretty much says, "did you see me do that? She's my girlfriend." Ok, so in seconds she's established she's very dirty and likes to brag about her dirtiness. After taking our drink order, she walks to the bar and then slaps a male employee of the joint on his backside. Now we are confused, but encouraged. So then she comes back to take our food order and now she is really selling the name of the establishment, if you know what I mean. I believe Austin Powers called them "maching gun jumblees." Anyway, after practically falling all over us while taking our orders, one of the members of our group says to her, "hey, you smacked that girl's butt, you smacked that guy's butt, can you now smack his (pointing to me) butt." She, in a complete 180-degree turn attitude-wise, says "because I don't know him." And from that point on, she is a total beeyatch. Never really acknowledges us, never chats with us. Just sort of leaves us alone until it's settling up time. Basically, we called her bluff, and she folded like cheap house of cards, cheap being the most applicable term. That's candidate No. 2



NO. 3: THE BRIDESMAID: So Saturday night we are in the bar at our hotel hanging out, revitalized from our trip to the hottub and the outdoor heated pool. There's nobody there except for these four dames - mids 20's - sitting there having a drink. As it turns out, one dame is getting married in a few weeks, so this is her bachlorette party. Looking to start some schtick, I wander over to their group and say "so who's getting married?" And they point to the dame who is. Without anything original to say, I give her the "big mistake," line. In seconds, they are all over me, ripping me for saying something so insensitive, and questioning if I'm married and how could i say that and blah, blah, blah. After trying to explain it was just a joke, I ask the one dame who is really hammering me if she's married and she's say no. So I then start ripping her for ripping me, since she has no experience on whether or not marriage is a mistake or not. I wander out of the joint, saying "doesn't anyone have a sense of humor around here."\



NO. 4: JOE PENDLETON: Yes, I'm nominating myself for the hell I put my brothers through Friday night. It seems when I have a few cocktails, I start acting like an a-hole. Not on purpose, rather just out of stupidy. So anyway, we get to our hotel room and I get under the covers and put my I-Pod in. You see, my brother snores quite loudly, so I figured the I-pod would help that. Of course, I'm now loaded and want to carry on a drunken rehash of the evening. So I remove the earpiece from the I-pod, ask my brother a question, and then before he can answer, I put the earpiece back in. So he's answering, but not getting a response from me, since I can't hear him. So then, I take the earpiece out, say, what did you say, and put the earpiece back in. Again, I wasn't trying to be an asre, I was just loaded. As for my other brother, let's just say I made insentive comments about his lady friend in front of him - and her. Before you vote, just know this went on for about 2o minutes. I final piece of evidence, on my way to my brother's joint, I spilled a XL iced coffee all over my car and still haven't cleaned it up.



OK, there you have it. I know all of you will vote from me, just to bust my onions, but please, be fair. The four potential a-holes on the list deserve that.



A few other notes: I started growing a goatee this week. not sure why. Mrs. Pendleton is gonna give it a few day's growth before making her decision on whether I should keep it or not. I don't feel strongly either way.

Back to candidate No. 2. I have to apologize to Slim Steve and Bill K. A few years ago, while on a trip to Penn State, we argued about the quality of the food at that establishment. I said it was good, they said it was awful. Well, it turns out, they are right, sort of. You see, my experience in eating Hooters food came from my many trips to the Hooters in FLorida and the one in the Inner Harbor in Baltimore at a time when there were not many around. But since that chain has expanded to the middle of nowhere in Pa. and NJ, it's clear the quality of food has sunk, too.

Well, it didn't take too long for the Met season to hit the crapper, now did it. That's OK, right now the only team I'm focused on is the good team that plays at MSG. Speaking of the Mets, how fat and old did Keith Hernandez get over the winter?

Today marks the 1-month anniversary of my father's passing. I can't believe it's only been a month. It seems like he has been gone years, and let me tell you, it's not getting any easier.

Well, that's it for now. THanks for reading and voting. By the way, once the voting is completed, I will reveal my pick.



Dictionary word of the week



ASS: (n) 1. a horselike beast of burden; a donkey; 2. a stupid person, a fool