Monday, November 28, 2005

BLOW IT UP REAL GOOD

Perhaps the greatest thing about owning a home is - in my opinion - getting to decorate it during the holidays.

I mean, think about it, in this day in age, if you want to paint a rock in your front yard, you have to get a permit from your town, but when it comes to Christmas decorations, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want.

That being said, too many liberties have been taken in this department, the biggest culprit is this new wave of inflatable decorations.

I have to say, a few years ago, they were cute. You had a Rudolph one, a Santa one, a Homer Simpson. That was fine. Now you have snow globes that acutally snow. I'm waiting to see the inflatable Baby Jesus on someone's lawn soon.

I myself, hate the inflatables for two reasons.
1. They look like sh-t when not inflated. Listen, I have enough ugly looking mounds of crap on my front yard without me having to pay $49.99 to put another one out there.
2. This new wave of inflatables have, for some reason, made the classic light up plastic decorations obsolete. I mean, go into any store these days and try to find a plastic snowman, or santa, or wooden soldier. They are nowhere to be found. What the f-ck is that? I mean, the white-trash looking icicles are bad enough. But no more plastic snowman. Unf-ckingreal.

So, if you are driving around central jersey, and see a house with no icicles, no inflatable crap and 4 - count em - 4 plastic snowmen on the yard. That's my hut.

The only inflatable I'll be investing is something to keep me company on a cold winter night. (HEY NOW). Or this one.

By the way, Jerseygirl. Check this one out.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

FOOTING THE BILL

Yesterday afternoon is was having a few drinks with a neighbor - in preparation for my wife's 20th HS reunion - and I nearly killed myself falling down the stairs. While I survived the fall, my left foot took quite a beating.

I think I sprained it or something. It's possible I broke a little bone in there, but we'll see.

Anway, while raking leaves today in serious pain, it dawned on me how underrated the foot is.

Seriously. Think about it. Without the foot, or feet we'd have
- No football
- No shoes
- No running
- No walking
- No playing footsies
- No dancing
- No ice skating (hence, no hockey)

That's just the tip of the iceberg.




So next time - especially this time of the year where we're giving thanks for stuff - give thanks for two healthy feet.

Friday, November 18, 2005

THERE'S ALWAYS TOMORROW

With the holidays right around the corner, it's time to give a viewers guide for most of the holiday specials you'll be asked by the major networks and cable outfits the watch this time of the year. With so many to choose from, I'll help you clear it up the best I can. So here goes

ONES TO WATCH

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER: Unquestionably the greatest TV holiday special of all time. Not only is it funny, it also shows a side of Santa we don't see in any other show - his A-hole side. Throughout this entire show Santa is a huge douche. Two seconds after Rudy is born, the cat's ripping him for the red nose. When Rudy is embarrassed at takeoff practice, Santa is there to not only blast him, but also his old man for letting it happen. And when Rudy's parents and Clarice are missing Santa tells Rudolph he's worried about them because he needs Donner to pull his sleigh. This shows was a selfish dude St. Nick really is. Even at the end, he's only nice to Rudolph because he needs him. Also, how is it possible Santa doesn't know about the Island of Misfit Toys. He knows if some 6-year-old in Indonesia is nice or naughty, but doesn't know about this land of free toys just minutes from his house.
The show is also fun to watch to try and spot the gay undertones between Yukon and Hermie.
Another fun way to watch it is take a swig of beer everytime they say Santa. Yule be bombed before 8:30.

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS: No, not the lame Jim Carrey flick. I'm talking about the original that's narrated by Boris Karloff. It's a tremendous show, and very funny. It also - if you think about it - pretty much reveals there is no Santa, because if there was, he'd be there to stop the grinch. The songs are great, animation is great. It's a can't miss.

THE SIMPSONS (TIS THE 15th SEASON). The X-mas episode where Homer finds Santa's Little Helper gets most of the X-mas pub, but this episode, which aired in 2003, is much better. It's an ode to every other Christmas special and it's friggin hilarious. The California Raisins doing their own nativity scene is worth the price of admission right there.

MR. MAGOO'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL: The last can't miss on the list. Awesome translations of Dickens' work. Magoo is up to his visually-challenged schtick and the songs are tremendous. Just ask yourself this question, how many other shows have someone singing about Razelberry dressing?

THE YULE LOG: It's now on MSG and you have to admit watching a log burn on TV for 12 hours is much more interesting than a Knicks game. It wouldn't be Christmas without this show.

HOME ALONE: I know I'll get ripped for this, but you just don't see any more movies where a little kick lights up Joe Pesci with a blowtorch. It's my holiday guilty pleasure.

ONES YOU SHOULD SEE
OK, these next few you can take em or leave em.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Great flick, I admit, and the fact that NBC only shows it once a year is a nice move. But, really, it's kind of like an NBA tilt, just turn it on for the last 20 minutes and your good. The second Clarence arrives it when it gets going. It is worth tuning in early on to see Alfalfa from the Little Rascals open up the pool, but then you can tune it out until the last segment.

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS: Outraged that it's not on the must-see list? Well, let me ask you this. How many years have you seen that CB is coming on, you get all pumped up for it and then 6 minutes in you're reaching for the remote? It has it's moments, but really, it's quite boring. I'm the only one with guts enough to say it. So there you go.

YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS: Like It's a Wonderful Life, all you have to watch is the 10-minute span with the Heat and Snow Misers. Besides that, the show is quite, quite lame.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN: What amazes me is the folks who own the rights to this show took so long to start cashing in. I mean, Rudolph stuff has been available for years, and only know do you see stuff from this show - like the BurgerMeisterMeisterBurger dolls - in Toys R Us and stuff. Still, it's a pretty good show (Put one Foot in Front of the Other) is worth the hour you invest in it. But a must-see every year? No way.

A CHRISTMAS STORY: The 24-hour TBS marathon every year is a bit much. But it's either that or Lakers-Heat on ABC. Again, it's a good movie, but it's one where you can tune it in for about 3 minutes, get a laugh or two and move on.

ONES YOU CAN AND SHOULD SKIP

THE POLAR EXPRESS: I saw this in the movies with my kid last year and I have to say it scared the hell out of her. It's really freaky, especially when it shows some homeless dude who lives on top of the train. The animation itself is very freaky. Avoid it all costs.

FROSTY THE SNOW MAN: There, I said it. This show sucks. And besides, the magician is right. They stole his hat, he should have it back. F--- Frosty.

NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION: Randy Quaid in the little dickey is funny, but this flick get more tired each year.

RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR: Can you say, piece of sh-t.?

Now, I know there are much, much more, and I'm sure I forgot about a bunch, like George Goebel's Classic "The Night B4 Christmas" with the mouse living in the clock. BUt these are the ones I really only care about.

Merry Christmas everyone.

You might want to check out this link to some real bombs

http://www.nationallampoon.com/nl/08_features/xmasspecials/xmasspecials.asp

Sunday, November 13, 2005

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y

Hey, I'm back. I know it's been a while, but I'm sure nobody missed me.
Anyway, since this blog has turned into a Top 10 list, I'm gonna hit you with one more.
Last week, I rented Season 1 of Pee Wee's Playhouse on DVD for my kids. I have to say they loved it, and I have to say, it still made me crack up. So, while raking 8,000 leaves on Saturday, I started thinking about what were my favorite Saturday Morning Shows back in the day.
Also, when I think back to those times, I always remember that on the Friday night before the shows all made their debuts in September, there would be a show previewing them. Pretty hard core stuff.
The only criteria is they had to be on network TV (CBS, NBC or ABC) and they had to be on Saturday mornings. Also, some cartoon staples like Underdog and Scooby Doo have been left off. They are all-time classics, not just Saturday morning shows. There here are basically shows that were only seen on Saturday mornings.
See, here goes, the top 10 top Saturday Morning Shows of all time.

1. Pee Wee's Playhouse (CBS) - How great was this show? I used to wake up -- even while severly hung over -- in college on Saturday mornings just to watch it. If you remember watching it, go out and rent the DVD and you will laugh your arse off. If you've never seen it, rent it and look for young stars such as Lawrence Fishburne and Phil Hartman in the show. The dame from the original Law & Order is also on there. Great show.

2. Hong Kong Phooey (ABC). Man, I loved this show. Scatman Crothers was great as the title role and they had some hot cop dame running around too. In case you forgot, the cat's name was Spike.

3. The Hudson Brothers (CBS). These dancing and singing brothers were dubbed "The Kings of Saturday Morning" by their friend John Lennon. I believe one of them even knocked up Goldie Hawn and produced the lovely Kate Hudson. Anway, they did lots of goofy schtick, but it was good stuff. You don't get TV like this anymore.

4. Big John, Little John (NBC). After his run as Oliver on the Brady Bunch, Robby Rist returned in a Saturday monring sitcom where the great actor Herb Adelman would - everyonce in a while - turn into a 12-year-old kid. The theme song was very catchy. Hard to believe networks produced sitcoms just for Saturday morning, but they did.

5. Shazam (CBS). Two great things about this show. The title charcater was played by the David Cassidy wannabe who blew off Marcia on the Brady Bunch episode where she works in Mr. Haskell's ice cream shop. Also, it's the only TV show in history where a superhero rides around in a winnebago. But that's what it was and it made for great schtick and action.

6. Superfriends (ABC). All the superheroes in joint, and Ted Knight doing the narration. I have to say while I loved the show, I hated the friggin super twins.

7. Pink Panther (NBC). The cat never said a damn word, but boy was he funny.
(As you can tell, I'm running out of steam).

8. The Odd-Ball Couple. It was cartoon version of the Odd Couple, but it featured a cat (Spiffy) and a dog (Fleabag).

9. Fat Albert. I know, it's low on the list, but that's because I don't like Bill Cosby.

10. Far-Out Space Nuts. Bob Denver and Chuck McCann as dudes lost in space. What else could you want with your Cap N Crunch.

OK. There are some obvious omissions like Land of the Lost, and H.R. Puffenstuff and Sigmund and the Sea-Monsters. Well, you know what, I didn't like those shows, what can I tell you? As for the Smurfs. F--- them.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE

While driving to work today, I was listening to the SIRIUS Springsteen station, and since I'm in the mood of listing songs, I decided to list some bruce tunes.

There will be 2 categories of 10 songs each: The 10 best, the ten worst.

I'm taking into consideration most of his tunes. I don't have Devils and Dust, so that's out. Any rarities will also likely be out. Also, I'm trying to mix it up. Obviously, almost every track on Born to Run could be in the top 10, but I won't do that.

I'm sure I'll be ripped for some of my picks, but that's how it goes.

THE 10 BEST

1. Born to Run. An obvious pick, I know, but this tune is what he's always been about (overcoming all sorts of crap, chicks, cars & Jersey).

2. Rosalita (Come out Tonight). A classic. Not much else to say.

3. Thunder Road. Crank this baby up while your driving down the Garden State Parkway. Nothing beats it.

4. Streets of Philadelphia. Tremendous song. Really captures the desperation Tom Hanks portrays in the film.

5. Prove it All Night. To me, it's his best tune on Darkness. Great intro. Great guitar/sax solos.

6. Sherry Darling. Bruce as his partying best. Also shows off his sense of humor.

7. Lost in the Flood. The sleeper of the group. It's intense, it's hard core. It's early Bruce in a nutshell.

8. Point Blank. An amazing song. Haunting piano is great. Also, I messed around with a dame in college while this played on a continuous loop. That could be affecting my decision.

9. Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I know I'll get ripped for this choice, but let's face it, it's a Bruce classic.

10. Atlantic City. Bruce sings about another boardwalk in Jersey for once with awesome results.

OK. Now it could get nasty
THE 10 WORST

1. Mary Queen of Arkansas. Hard to believe the same dude that wrote the above 10 banged this one out.

2. The Angel. Hard to believe he put 1 & 2 on the same album and it's still a great disc.

3. The Big Muddy. Perhaps his best B&B song (bathroom and beer) during a concert.

4. American Skin. The cops werent' walking out of his concerts because they were pissed about the song, it's because the song blows.

5. Dancing in the Dark. A pop piece of crap with weak keyboard riff.

6. Man's Job. SOng is bad enough, but the backup singing at the end is the final insult on this waste of vinyl.

7. My Hometown. What a sappy piece of junk.

8. Merry Christmas Baby. Imagine seeing Bruce in concert, Clarence comes out in the Santa suit and he plays this instead of Santa Coming to Town. Can you say REFUND.

9. I wanna marry you. OK Bruce, you wanna marry her. How many times do you have to say it?

10. Secret Garden. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

That's it for now. Rip away. I can take it.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

UNDER THE COVERS

I posted a list of some of the worst cover songs a few weeks ago, and promised my list of best cover songs. So here goes.

A few things to remember: I'm only including songs that were somewhat hits or generally popular. So if I leave out some obscure cover by someone, that's why.
Also, to me, what makes a great cover is changing the song a bit. If you do just a straight up ripoff of the original, that doesn't count in my book. Also, if the original was kind of obscure, that doesn't count either. Aretha Franklin's Respect is actually a cover of an Otis Redding tune, but not many have actually heard that one.
Finally, this is just a list off the top of my head. No real research has gone into this. Feel free to rip me if you wish

1. All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix. Dylan wrote it and recorded it first - a bluesy, harmonica renedition. Hendrix took it and made it into a rock classic. To me, this is the greatest cover since Hendrix took an already great song, changed it, and made a tremendous record.

2. Heard it Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye - The underrated Gladys Knight banged it out a year before Marvin's soulful version was released. Sadly, when people hear this song now, they think about the stupid dancing raisins. However, a great version of a great song.

3. Higher Ground - RHCP. Little Stevie Wonder banged out a soulful version first, ad the Chilis turned into a funk-rock classic years later.

4. Always Something There to Remind Me by Naked Eyes. I have to say I really enjoy this version. It's a classic 80s' tune and it still holds up today. This song, originally penned by Burt Bacharac - has been covered by millions of people, but the Naked Eyes version, with it's techno intro and catchy bass line is the best.

5. Baby One More Time by Fountains of Wayne. OK, their video didn't feature them running around in skimpy school-girl outfits like Ms. Spears, but there version of Brittany's first hit is pretty cool. I actually makes you realize what a good song it is.

Again, these are just off the top of my head.

Again, feel free to rip.