With the holidays right around the corner, it's time to give a viewers guide for most of the holiday specials you'll be asked by the major networks and cable outfits the watch this time of the year. With so many to choose from, I'll help you clear it up the best I can. So here goes
ONES TO WATCH
RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER: Unquestionably the greatest TV holiday special of all time. Not only is it funny, it also shows a side of Santa we don't see in any other show - his A-hole side. Throughout this entire show Santa is a huge douche. Two seconds after Rudy is born, the cat's ripping him for the red nose. When Rudy is embarrassed at takeoff practice, Santa is there to not only blast him, but also his old man for letting it happen. And when Rudy's parents and Clarice are missing Santa tells Rudolph he's worried about them because he needs Donner to pull his sleigh. This shows was a selfish dude St. Nick really is. Even at the end, he's only nice to Rudolph because he needs him. Also, how is it possible Santa doesn't know about the Island of Misfit Toys. He knows if some 6-year-old in Indonesia is nice or naughty, but doesn't know about this land of free toys just minutes from his house.
The show is also fun to watch to try and spot the gay undertones between Yukon and Hermie.
Another fun way to watch it is take a swig of beer everytime they say Santa. Yule be bombed before 8:30.
HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS: No, not the lame Jim Carrey flick. I'm talking about the original that's narrated by Boris Karloff. It's a tremendous show, and very funny. It also - if you think about it - pretty much reveals there is no Santa, because if there was, he'd be there to stop the grinch. The songs are great, animation is great. It's a can't miss.
THE SIMPSONS (TIS THE 15th SEASON). The X-mas episode where Homer finds Santa's Little Helper gets most of the X-mas pub, but this episode, which aired in 2003, is much better. It's an ode to every other Christmas special and it's friggin hilarious. The California Raisins doing their own nativity scene is worth the price of admission right there.
MR. MAGOO'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL: The last can't miss on the list. Awesome translations of Dickens' work. Magoo is up to his visually-challenged schtick and the songs are tremendous. Just ask yourself this question, how many other shows have someone singing about Razelberry dressing?
THE YULE LOG: It's now on MSG and you have to admit watching a log burn on TV for 12 hours is much more interesting than a Knicks game. It wouldn't be Christmas without this show.
HOME ALONE: I know I'll get ripped for this, but you just don't see any more movies where a little kick lights up Joe Pesci with a blowtorch. It's my holiday guilty pleasure.
ONES YOU SHOULD SEE
OK, these next few you can take em or leave em.
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Great flick, I admit, and the fact that NBC only shows it once a year is a nice move. But, really, it's kind of like an NBA tilt, just turn it on for the last 20 minutes and your good. The second Clarence arrives it when it gets going. It is worth tuning in early on to see Alfalfa from the Little Rascals open up the pool, but then you can tune it out until the last segment.
A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS: Outraged that it's not on the must-see list? Well, let me ask you this. How many years have you seen that CB is coming on, you get all pumped up for it and then 6 minutes in you're reaching for the remote? It has it's moments, but really, it's quite boring. I'm the only one with guts enough to say it. So there you go.
YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS: Like It's a Wonderful Life, all you have to watch is the 10-minute span with the Heat and Snow Misers. Besides that, the show is quite, quite lame.
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN: What amazes me is the folks who own the rights to this show took so long to start cashing in. I mean, Rudolph stuff has been available for years, and only know do you see stuff from this show - like the BurgerMeisterMeisterBurger dolls - in Toys R Us and stuff. Still, it's a pretty good show (Put one Foot in Front of the Other) is worth the hour you invest in it. But a must-see every year? No way.
A CHRISTMAS STORY: The 24-hour TBS marathon every year is a bit much. But it's either that or Lakers-Heat on ABC. Again, it's a good movie, but it's one where you can tune it in for about 3 minutes, get a laugh or two and move on.
ONES YOU CAN AND SHOULD SKIP
THE POLAR EXPRESS: I saw this in the movies with my kid last year and I have to say it scared the hell out of her. It's really freaky, especially when it shows some homeless dude who lives on top of the train. The animation itself is very freaky. Avoid it all costs.
FROSTY THE SNOW MAN: There, I said it. This show sucks. And besides, the magician is right. They stole his hat, he should have it back. F--- Frosty.
NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION: Randy Quaid in the little dickey is funny, but this flick get more tired each year.
RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR: Can you say, piece of sh-t.?
Now, I know there are much, much more, and I'm sure I forgot about a bunch, like George Goebel's Classic "The Night B4 Christmas" with the mouse living in the clock. BUt these are the ones I really only care about.
Merry Christmas everyone.
You might want to check out this link to some real bombs
http://www.nationallampoon.com/nl/08_features/xmasspecials/xmasspecials.asp
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2 comments:
See, this is why you're a must-read. Where else can you find 'Santa' and 'douche' in the same sentence?
I'll be disagreeing with you shortly, via a lengthy post I've been constructing, where "Christmas Vacation" is concerned.
The show Rudolph is pretty good; I'll give you that.
However, for reasons you touched on, the entire Rudolph saga is patently ridiculous. I was thinking about that the other day because I heard the song on the radio for the first time this season. Perhaps I will blog on the absurdity of Rudolph sometime soon.
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