IT'S IN THE A-HOLE

Well, I'm back from the weekend of golf. It was great. Thanks to mother nature, we only got in 34 holes. Due to cold temps, our first tee time was pushed back about two hours. And then our second tee time was pushed back 2 hours as well, so we played 16 in the morning and 18 in the afternoon. Believe me, it was enough. High winds, cool temps and shitty golf are not a good mix for wanting to keep playing. The weekend also included me nearly getting in my first bar fight - twice, but good timing and me actually thinking straight avoided that happening.

Anyway, instead of rehashing every bad shot, and every awful decision by me - both on and off the course - we are going to play a little game from the weekend, called, name the A-hole.

Yes, I will give you a few candidates from the people we ran into this weekend, and you, the readers of FNC will get to voice your opinion on who was the biggest A-hole we ran into.


THE STARTER: This is the dude who sort of runs the on-course stuff at the first course. Well, me and my brother Torry aren't at the course for 3 minutes and he quickly confiscates our beverage bag, telling us they are not allowed on the course. OK, if it's July 15, and there are 100s of people on the course, you don't want everyone bringing their own stuff out there. But we were literally the only two dudes on the course. Anyway, let's just say the only tip the dude got was to go home and have intercourse with himself. It gets worse. On about the 8th hole, I get a call from our third dude who's coming up and I warn him about bringing a bag near the starter. He's OK with that, but he gets snagged when the starter catches him loading beers into his golf bag in the parking lot and confiscates his bag. It gets even more worse. As we are back in the parking lot getting ready to head to our second T-time, we ask the dude if he can call the second place (which is all run by the same chain, so he works for them, too) and tell them we are a few minutes late, but are on our way. He says he can't. He then comes down to the parking lot and catches us putting tastes and ice into our golf bags. He gives us a dirty look and leaves. Of course, when we get to the second course, they say they didn't get a call about being on time for our tee-time, but did get a call about us being trouble makers and they will be keeping an eye on us. So therefore, tastes on the second course had to be had very secretly. Thanks starter dude, your a-hole candidate No. 1



2. THE WAITRESS: After our second round on Saturday, we were very tired, cold and hungry, so headed to a local restaurant, which, I believe is named after that Philly band that did "All You Zombies" and "And We Danced." Anyway, as we are walking into the joint we see one pretty hot waitress smack another hot waitress right in the arse. NICE. It then turns out she's our waitress, and when she comes to get our drink order, she pretty much says, "did you see me do that? She's my girlfriend." Ok, so in seconds she's established she's very dirty and likes to brag about her dirtiness. After taking our drink order, she walks to the bar and then slaps a male employee of the joint on his backside. Now we are confused, but encouraged. So then she comes back to take our food order and now she is really selling the name of the establishment, if you know what I mean. I believe Austin Powers called them "maching gun jumblees." Anyway, after practically falling all over us while taking our orders, one of the members of our group says to her, "hey, you smacked that girl's butt, you smacked that guy's butt, can you now smack his (pointing to me) butt." She, in a complete 180-degree turn attitude-wise, says "because I don't know him." And from that point on, she is a total beeyatch. Never really acknowledges us, never chats with us. Just sort of leaves us alone until it's settling up time. Basically, we called her bluff, and she folded like cheap house of cards, cheap being the most applicable term. That's candidate No. 2



NO. 3: THE BRIDESMAID: So Saturday night we are in the bar at our hotel hanging out, revitalized from our trip to the hottub and the outdoor heated pool. There's nobody there except for these four dames - mids 20's - sitting there having a drink. As it turns out, one dame is getting married in a few weeks, so this is her bachlorette party. Looking to start some schtick, I wander over to their group and say "so who's getting married?" And they point to the dame who is. Without anything original to say, I give her the "big mistake," line. In seconds, they are all over me, ripping me for saying something so insensitive, and questioning if I'm married and how could i say that and blah, blah, blah. After trying to explain it was just a joke, I ask the one dame who is really hammering me if she's married and she's say no. So I then start ripping her for ripping me, since she has no experience on whether or not marriage is a mistake or not. I wander out of the joint, saying "doesn't anyone have a sense of humor around here."\



NO. 4: JOE PENDLETON: Yes, I'm nominating myself for the hell I put my brothers through Friday night. It seems when I have a few cocktails, I start acting like an a-hole. Not on purpose, rather just out of stupidy. So anyway, we get to our hotel room and I get under the covers and put my I-Pod in. You see, my brother snores quite loudly, so I figured the I-pod would help that. Of course, I'm now loaded and want to carry on a drunken rehash of the evening. So I remove the earpiece from the I-pod, ask my brother a question, and then before he can answer, I put the earpiece back in. So he's answering, but not getting a response from me, since I can't hear him. So then, I take the earpiece out, say, what did you say, and put the earpiece back in. Again, I wasn't trying to be an asre, I was just loaded. As for my other brother, let's just say I made insentive comments about his lady friend in front of him - and her. Before you vote, just know this went on for about 2o minutes. I final piece of evidence, on my way to my brother's joint, I spilled a XL iced coffee all over my car and still haven't cleaned it up.



OK, there you have it. I know all of you will vote from me, just to bust my onions, but please, be fair. The four potential a-holes on the list deserve that.



A few other notes: I started growing a goatee this week. not sure why. Mrs. Pendleton is gonna give it a few day's growth before making her decision on whether I should keep it or not. I don't feel strongly either way.

Back to candidate No. 2. I have to apologize to Slim Steve and Bill K. A few years ago, while on a trip to Penn State, we argued about the quality of the food at that establishment. I said it was good, they said it was awful. Well, it turns out, they are right, sort of. You see, my experience in eating Hooters food came from my many trips to the Hooters in FLorida and the one in the Inner Harbor in Baltimore at a time when there were not many around. But since that chain has expanded to the middle of nowhere in Pa. and NJ, it's clear the quality of food has sunk, too.

Well, it didn't take too long for the Met season to hit the crapper, now did it. That's OK, right now the only team I'm focused on is the good team that plays at MSG. Speaking of the Mets, how fat and old did Keith Hernandez get over the winter?

Today marks the 1-month anniversary of my father's passing. I can't believe it's only been a month. It seems like he has been gone years, and let me tell you, it's not getting any easier.

Well, that's it for now. THanks for reading and voting. By the way, once the voting is completed, I will reveal my pick.



Dictionary word of the week



ASS: (n) 1. a horselike beast of burden; a donkey; 2. a stupid person, a fool

54 HOLES AND NOTHING'S ON

Yes, believe it or not, a second post within a week's time. Hard to believe. Well, I'm wound up over a few things, and with Mrs. Pendleton hogging the TV to watch Top Chef, I have some time. So here goes.

I think I'd be pretty pissed off right now if I was former Conn. Governor John Rowand. Think about it, he had to resign his gig because he had some state workers put in a hot tub. A hot tub. Sure, it's a resignable offense, but when you consider what's going on in two nearby states, it's nothing.

First you have Jim McGreevey, who not only gave his gay lover a state job, he made him the head of homeland security for the state. Hot tub, smot tub. And then it comes out this week, that old Jimmy M was having threesomes with his wife and another dude, but it never crossed his wife's mind that he was gay. So here he is, pretty much getting it on with another guy in front of her and she think he's doing her a favor.

Then you have Mr. Spitzer. This cat is "hooking" up with high-end prostitutes while at the same time putting prostitution rings out of business. What a card. And he knows how to pick him, judging from "Kristen's" girls gone wild performance.

And then there's this david Patterson guy. He not only cheats on his cheating wife several times, he has the balls to tell the whole world about it so he doesn't get the boot. So let's review.

One guy quits because he's gay and his gay lover is in charge of protecting everyone in the state.

Another quits because he's sleeping with hot and wild 22 year olds

another cheats on his wife "several times" and keeps his job

Rowland has to resign over a hot tub. Doesn't seem fair.

A few other things:

Can people stop watching American Idol? PLEASE. I don't care if it's on TV, I'm just getting tired of reading about it in newspapers, hearing about it on the radio. Reading about it on the web. I can't take it anymore. Plus, with the record industry in the shitter, is a record contract really a big deal anymore? Sure, Underwood is doing well, but that's because she banging, not because she can sing. Anyone here from Taylor Hicks lately?

I loved Jersey Girl's rundown of her workout playlist. Well, I might have you topped, JG, while working out today (yes, I said working out), the Royal Guardsmen's Snoopy and the Red Baron came through the tiny headphones of my I-Pod. I was so fired up, I nearly fell off the eliptical machine.

Congrats to the staff of the AA News for their series on academics and athletics at Michigan. What the whole series has proven to me is the UM is just like any other football factory in the country, and not some esteemed institution that has a great balance of fine athletics and academics. I now realize why a second nickname for the team is Big Blue: Most of the students and players can't spell Wolverines.

A new feature to FNC. In each new post, I will take a word out of the dictionary along with its definition. I do this for two reasons: There's a dictionary gathering dust on my desk and figure it would be good for a few laughs.

Today's word is SCANSION (n.) analysis of metrical verse.


Not really sure what the meaning means.

Finally, if you are wondering what the title of my post means, well, it's a reference to what I'm going to attempt next weekend. My brother, Roman, lives near a resort which features five golf courses and a new hotel, which is running a deal the next few weekends. For $100, you get a night's stay in the hotel and unlimited golf (including cart) for a day. Therefore, next Saturday, Roman and I have a tee-time for 7 a.m. at one course, 12 noon at a second course and 5 p.m. at a third course. The goal is 54 holes in one day, but fatigue and lack of daylight could cost us. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Top Chef over, now I can watch TV again.

HELLO, GOODBYE

Friends, romans, countrymen, schills: I'm back from hiatus and well . . . I'll start where I should start.

A huge thank you to all fans of FNC and friends of Joe Pendleton for their overwhelming support last week following the death of my father. As I type it in, I still can't believe it happened, and while I won't say I'm in a state of denial, I can clearly say it hasn't sunk in yet.

He was a great dad, a great man, and hopefully I can live up to his reputation. Words cannot express the love, support, and compassion I felt from each and every one of you and it's something I will never forget. They say at times like these, you find out who your real friends are, and I certainly found that out in the last few weeks. Thanks again.

A few weird - beyond the obvious - things from last week. The day my dad's obit ran in the Ledger, the voice of NJ ran a huge story dealing with the lack of funding going to pancreatic cancer research. And then, the night before the funeral, I see on the news that Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. Unreal.

This form of cancer is a real bastard and must be stopped. I know the Joker has done a fine job of raising awareness and money for the PANCAN network, and I will be doing the same. A charity golf outing is in the very, very early planning stages. Stayed tuned.

Now to some other stuff:

-- I took the Pendleton kids to see Horton Hears a Who today, and was in shock, when 85 minutes into the film, I hadn't heard one shitty 80s' tune sung by the computer generated characters. Of course, that all changed when the final sequence of the film featured the whole cast singing REO Speedwagon's "I can't fight this feeling anymore." While I'm a fan of the song and used to sing it about some dame in college I was in love with, but she thought I was "just a friend," it had nothing to do with the plot of film, leaving me quite irritated afterward.

-- Speaking of being irritated, the news of Ike Bruce's departure from the Rams and quick arrival on the 49er roster also has me quite pissed. Follow that up with hiring of a former Rutgers coach as quarterback's coach and I nearly, nearly thought about changing NFL allegiances. As quickly as the Rams went from NFL non-entity to league powerhouse, they have gone back to non-entity status. Maybe a family member of this new coach can become an "Embraceable Ewe," to lift the spirits in St. Louis.

-- The hightlight of the Oscars was when a certainy "actor" was introduced only as Dwayne Johnson. Give me a fucking break.

-- I'm very worried about the Mets. I think Mr. Delgado needs to start hanging around with a certain trainer/congressional witness or we are in big trouble. It's very possible The Sandman could be playing first base in Queens before the end of the year.

-- Not sure what has pissed me off more the last few weeks - this bullshit about Billy Joel playing the last concert at Shea or this Billy Crystal Yankee farce. Speaking of Crystal, I love all these a-holes saying his playing in an exhibition game has ruined the Yankee mystique. I guess numerous admitted HGH/steroid users from their championship teams, a manager who doesn't think guys should play hard in the spring, and ownership giving A-Rod everything he wanted despite his opt-out bullshit didn't hurt the mystique, but Crystal did. Give me a break.

-- Hard to believe that a dame from Belmar is a whore. Shocking.

-- I have no interest in the NCAA Tourney. This could, could be the year I don't fill out a bracket and then sit back and see if I have any interest in the Big Dance at all. The problem is, there are no bad guys. At least with Florida, you had somebody to root against. This year, nothing. Maybe the NCAA should put Bobby Gonzalez in to raise the hatred factor.

Well, that's it for now. The 2007 year in review is still being worked on. The beer count, which was at 0 before Big Blue won the Super Bowl and at 10 after it, has skyrocketed with the events of the last two weeks.

Happy St. Patrick's Day and Easter to all.

Thanks again.

I promise I'll blog before Memorial Day.