OSCAR MEYER WEINERS

Well, the Oscars have come and gone, now we can all get on with our lives.

Since the Pendleton children arrived, I don't get out to the movies much, so I really have little interest in the Academy Awards. The one thing I do like watching is the tribute to all the dead people, it's actually my favorite part. But I have to say, I was quite disappointed in this year's video due to one glaring omission - the late great Anna Nicole Smith.

I mean how does someone as popular as her, who was in four movies, including the Hudsucker Proxy, Naked Gun 33.3 and Skyscraper (in which she starred in and was exec. producer) get left off that list? And don't forget all her fine works from Hefner Studios. I mean, they put on there cinemaphotographers you've never heard up, yet this dame gets left off.

Of course the answer is because the elitist a-holes in Hollywood would never put her on there, but who are they to judge someone's life? She was in movies, she was a big star and she died. That's all there is to it. I'm sure if you delve into the personal life of many Hollywood stars, it would get ugly. I mean, she may have been nuts, but at least she didn't think there were aliens in her blood. At least I don't think she did.

As for the Oscars themselves, congrats to Forest Whittaker. The dude should've gotten an Oscar for Fast Times, so it was a little payback. I am pissed that Jackie Earle Haley (aka Kelly Leak) didn't win. Again, he should've won for the Bad News Bears (him and Matthau).

As for the best picture winner the Departed, a few thoughts:

Good movie. Certainly not Scorsese's best, but what can you do. They probably figure that cat is gonna be on next year's dead guy video, so hook him up while they can. If you haven't seen the movie, skip the blue text coming up, if you have, you can read the many complains I have with this film:

1. Perhaps my biggest fault with the Departed is the fact that both Matt Damon and Leo are secretly text messaging their sources while shit is going on like a: a major deal with chinese dudes, b: a major sting operation, c: while riding in the back seat of the car with Jack Nicholson and Mr. French. If I have to text message anyone one word, it takes me like 15 minutes, but here these guys are doing it secretly and having no problems and of course, not getting exposed. Shit, Damon even does it with his phone in his pocket.

2. That Jack Nicholson couldn't figure out Decaprio was the mole from Day 1. Let's see, he's never had a rat in his pack before, and the second a dude who is an "ex-cop" arrives, he has a mole. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. I wonder who it could be.

3. That nobody in the entire police force - the same folks who know when Jack Nicholson takes a dump - knew that Matt Damon's character has been hanging around old Jack since he was 8 years old.

4. That these two cats, Leo and Matt, would be banging the same dame. Of all the dames in Boston, these two find the same chick.

5. That Matt Damon, knowing the rat was coming to see him, would leave a piece of evidence (the envelope) in plain site on his desk.

6. That Decaprio, when mailing the incriminating CD to Damon, would put his last name and return adresss on there, just in case Matt Damon wanted to find him and kill him.

7. That Damon, who has no problem killing anyone who gets in his way, would let his chick roam around freely after she knew he was a bad guy.

Ok, that's it. I know I'm supposed to suspend reality while watching a movie, but I've come to expect better from Scorsese. Anyway, it's still a great flick. Wasn't violent enough for me, and it could've used some stronger language, but besides that, it was good.

Big news in the beer count. It practically doubled Saturday night, going from 12 to 23 during a dinner party me and Mrs. went to at the local Knights of Columbus Hall. I have to say, after not drinking for a while, the beer tasted pretty good. But after not drinking heavily for a while, the hangover was pretty awful.

One last thing, I'd love to kick the arse of the guy who came up with term "wintry mix" to describe freezing rain. It's freezing rain or wet snow. That's what it is? Why does everything have to have a catchy name? It drives me nuts.

Pendleton .... OUT.

CALL THE POLICE

Well, isn't it great news that Sting finally decided to throw Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland a huge bone by reforming the Police and going out on tour this summer? For fans of the band it certainly came as great news. Shit, even their performance at the Grammys last Sunday got everyone geeked up (I swear the backing vocals were pre-recorded, but that's another story.)

That was of course until their tickets went on sale this week.

In case you missed it, The Police held a presale for their Garden shows on Wednesday. The only thing you needed to do to get in the presale is join The Police Fan Club. Sounds like a great deal, right? I mean, Pearl Jam's fan club costs something like $20 for the year, and you get a free record at X-mas and great seats to their shows and other shit like that.

Well, as it turns out, for the right to purchase $254 tickets before anyone else, you had to pay a $100 fee to join the fan club. $100? Are you fucking kidding me, boys. The real police should be called in on this one. This is outrageous. I think you could also get seats for $95 beans. So let's say, you do that and get 4 seats at that price. So that's $120 for the ticket, plus about $15-20 more in other fees, and you are paying $150 beans to see three cats who haven't put out an album in 20 years. Plus, you know half of the show will be Sting doing his boring solo crap.

Last summer, I ripped Bruce for charging $100 beans for his jug band act. Bruce, I'm sorry. While the tickets were a bit high, at least you didn't pull this crap.

Honestly, this really pisses me off. These cats have money coming out of their arses and all they do is bilk their fans. Now, the people who pay this should be ripped as well since they are pretty much telling these a-holes charge us whatever you want, we'll pay it. Last fall, Todd hooked me up with Chili Pepper tickets that were $75 a pop. That seems like a frigging bargain now.

In think when the Garden shows come along, I'll drop $18 beans for a 30-pack of Miller Lite, put on my Police greatest hits CD and stare at the picture I have of me and Stewart Copeland from the 2005 Emmy awards.

A few other notes:

-- I spotted some kid checking out my daughter today in A&P. Now, my daughter Georgia is only 7, and this kid was about the same age, but it gave me a good glimpse into what I'll be dealing with in about 6-7 years, and let me tell you I'm not ready for it. Hopefully, my young son Kurt will be big enough to deal with all of these cats. Either that, or I may start taking her to some WNBA games.

-- As I sit here typing this, I have The Tonight Show on in the background and I'm wondering what ever happened to that Jay Leno guy who used to be so funny about 20 years ago. Holy shit does this show stink. Plus, to see Stuttering John all cleaned up just doesn't seem right.

-- Speaking of Stuttering John, congrats to Howard Stern on his engagment. Speaking of Stern, I'm getting pumped for the all Sinatra station coming to Sirius in a few months (man, am I getting old or what). Sirius also just unveiled a 90's alt rock station, which is pretty strong as well.

-- Finally, in an effort to make peace with the fans of FNC, I've told the Sandman I could in be for the Rush show at PNC this summer. He told me I'm welcome, but I have a feeeling he's gonna lure me into a whole arena full of Rush heads and then expose me as the guy who called them overrated. Hopefully, the beer count will be extremely high before the show, so I won't care what happens.

-- Speaking of the beer count, it stands at 12.

SNOW BUSINESS

Well, we here on the East Coast are expecting a possible big snow storm Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. Will it snow or not? Who the hell knows? But what I do know is when you turn on your local news tomorrow afternoon or night, I guarantee you will see this.

1. The channel will have some dopey name for its (see that JG) coverage: Something like

"Stormwatch 2007" or "Winter Blast 07."

2. The channel will have some a-hole posted at the Home Depot in North Secaucus interviewing folks buying rock salt and shovels.

3. The channel will have another clown outside the place where NYC dispatches its salt spreaders and plows, possibly interviewing the head of the road department.

4. If - and this is an if - the storm turns into a Nor'easter, some poor dude will be in Sea Bright, NJ, talking about possible flooding.

And finally:

5. If it's a huge snowfall, the weatherman will somehow take the blame for it. If it doesn't snow, he will somehow take credit for nothing happening.

Enjoy your show.

A few more things:

The beer count has doubled to 12. Last Monday, I went to see Rangers-Red Wings at the Garden and banged down a few Guiness before the tilt.

Speaking of hockey, did you see the story last week where it was reported a recent Devils game on TV was watched by only 700 households in the tri-state area? 700? Are you kidding me?

Now, localschill, before you remind me how many Cups the Devils have won over the past few years, don't waste your breath. I know how good the team is. I know how good Brodeur is. This is actually a rip at so-called Devil fans. Again, not you localshill, I know you are hard core. Who I can now laugh at though, is all the folks who someone show up during playoff time or who rip Ranger fans during the season or playoffs.

You see, the miniscule TV rating proves to me once and for all that A: There are only about 20,100 Devil fans on the planet, and B: That most folks who go to Devil games go for entertainment purposes, meaning, that once the game is over they don't think about the Devils until they go to their next game. They don't read about the team in the papers, they don't lose sleep after bad losses, they won't watch away games or home games they don't attend. They don't give a shit until the team is right in front of them.

Of course, alot of this is Lou Lamoriello's fault. While he's done an amazing job of building a great team, he's done a shitty job of promoting it. Actually, he's gone out of his way to not promote the team and its star players. Hence, nobody gives a shit.

But don't worry, once they open the new arena in Newark, no one will go to their games and therefore, maybe more people will watch on TV. Who knows, they might even hit triple digits in households.

I have one idea, during breaks in the action, they can show replays of Shakira's arse-shakin' performance from last night's Grammys. Good God. I nearly ruptured my undercarriage watching that.

Have fun in the snow.

Sandman: Thanks for your great response at http://www.mytwocents-sjpsandman.blogspot.com/

I feel honored that you put it on your blog instead of my response deal. I'm granting you the same courtesy, respect.



As the great Ron Burgundy says, we agree to disagree on most of these acts.
Hotel California is not a masterpiece. Sgt. Peppers is a masterpiece. Exile on Main Street is a masterpiece. Blonde on Blonde is a masterpiece.

As for Fleetwood Mac, I'm not sure what gossip you are talking about. I'm focusing on the music. Great band? No. Good band? Sure.

As for Rush, I didn't mean to come across that I think they suck. The obviously don't suck. They are extremely talented, and while they are a good band, your claim that people in the know would list them as 5 of all time is ludicrous - hence the overrated tag.



A few years ago VH1 - people who work there must be in the know - listed the greatest Hard Rock Acts of all time. Here's the top 28.



1. Led Zeppelin 2. Black Sabbath 3. Jimi Hendrix 4. AC/DC 5. Metallica 6. Nirvana 7. Van Halen 8. The Who 9. Guns N' Roses 10. KISS 11. Aerosmith 12. Sex Pistols 13. Queen 14. Soundgarden 15. Pink Floyd 16. Cream 17. Ramones 18. Ozzy Osbourne 19. The Clash 20. Alice Cooper 21. Pearl Jam 22. Deep Purple 23. Judas Priest 24. Iron Maiden 25. Cheap Trick 26. Motorhead 27. Iggy Pop 28. Rush (3 spots behind Cheap Trick, ouch).





VH-1 sucks, you say: OK. In 2004, Rolling Stone listed it's top 100 greatest artists of all time:





1) The Beatles 2) Bob Dylan 3) Elvis Presley 4) The Rolling Stones 5) Chuck Berry 6) Jimi Hendrix 7) James Brown 8) Little Richard 9) Aretha Franklin 10) Ray Charles 11) Bob Marley 12) The Beach Boys 13) Buddy Holly 14) Led Zeppelin 15) Stevie Wonder 16) Sam Cooke
17) Muddy Watters 18) Marvin Gaye 19) The Velvet Underground 20) Bo Diddley 21) Otis Redding 22) U2 23) Bruce Springsteen 24) Jerry Lee Lewis 25) Fats Domino 26) The Ramones 27) Nirvana 28) Prince 29) The Who 30) The Clash 31) Johnny Cash
32) Smokey Robinson and the Miracles 33) The Everly Brothers 34) Neil Young 35) Michael Jackson 36) Madonna 37) Roy Orbison 38) John Lennon 39) David Bowie 40) Simon and Garfunkel 41) The Doors 42) Van Morrison 43) Sly and the Family Stone 44) Public Enemy
45) The Byrds 46) Janis Joplin 47) Patti Smith 48) Run-DMC 49) Elton John 50) The Band


51) Howlin' Wolf 52) The Allman Brothers Band 53) Eric Clapton 54) Dr. Dre 55) Grateful Dead 56) Parliament/Funkadelic 57) Aerosmith 58) Sex Pistols 59) Louis Jordan 60) Joni Mitchell 61) Tina Turner 62) Etta James 63) Phil Spector 64) The Kinks 65) Al Green
66) Cream 67) The Temptations 68) Jackie Wilson 69) Carl Perkins 70) The Police 71) Frank Zappa 72) AC/DC 73) Radiohead 74) Hank Williams 75) The Eagles 76) The Shirelles
77) Beastie Boys 78) The Stooges 79) The Four Tops 80) Elvis Costello 81) The Drifters
82) Eminem 83) N.W.A. 84) James Taylor 85) Black Sabbath 86) Tupac Shakur 87) Gram Parsons 88) Miles Davis 89) The Yardbirds 90) Carlos Santana 91) Ricky Nelson
92) Guns n' Roses 93) Booker T. and the MG's 94) Nine Inch Nails 95) Lynyrd Skynyrd
96) Martha and the Vandellas 97) Diana Ross and the Supremes 98) Roxy Music
99) Curtis Mayfield 100) Lee "Scratch" Perry





In case you're wondering the judges were:



Here they are:


http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/7235503/the_voters

As you can see, they are people who make music, produce music and write about music. Shit, the might even be lucky enough to experience and feel it like you do. Maybe, just maybe, they weren't basing it on talent and technical perspective, whatever the hell that means.

In case you didn't read the whole list, Rush is nowhere to be found. Maybe they finished 101. So maybe you're right, they shouldn't be on the overrated list, since they are not even on there.



As for the statement in which you say "Are you one of those people who just listen to music as background noise to whatever else it is you're doing? I'm surprised. I've always given you more credit as a music fan" And that you experience music, feel it. I had to laugh, since it came from someone, who on their list of favorite bands ranked Great White, Richard Marx, Poison, White Lion, Goo, Goo Dolls ahead of the Beatles and Bruce Springsteen and the Stones (who, by the way, aren't overrated at all). Next time you want to "experience" something, pop on Exile on Main Street.

And finally, let's remember I didn't want to even do the list since I knew it would raise your ire quite highly. I just know what I like and what I don't like, but you made me do it.



Anyway, dude, who really cares what I say? You love Rush, I don't. We can post for the next 100 years and neither of us in going to change the other person's mind.

The main thing is we both agree on what the most overrated act on the planet is:

PS: Not to get you riled up, and not to contradict everything I said, but Limelight is one of my favorite tunes of all time.

Let's Go Mets

Love, Joe

OVERRATED, OVERRATED

Well, here it is, thanks to severe pressure from the Sandman, I present my list of the top 10 most overrated music acts in history.

A few things to consider as you read the list.

1. Just because the band/artist is the on the list, doesn't necessarily mean they suck. It only means, they are good/better than good, but not God-like like most people think they are.

2. Just because the band/artist is on the list, doesn't necessarily mean they don't suck, meaning, they can totally suck, but people love them.

3. Most of this is based on how I feel the general public rates these bands or artists. So it's possible I could be off base, but I doubt it.

4. Most bands that thrived in the 80s are not on here, since I feel most bands from that era are judged perfectly. For example, Bon Jovi and Def Leppard are not on this list. They are a better than average bands that many people love/like, but aren’t considered all-time greats. Speaking of Def Leppard, it reminds me of a joke I heard on a recent trip to Colorado. It goes like this: 'What has 9 arms and sucks."

Finally, this is the top 10. To me, everyone but the Beatles, The Stones, Elvis, Ramones and AC/DC are overrated (yes, even Bruce is a tad overrated, but he’s not on the top 10), so that’s where I’m coming from.

On that note. Here we go, the Joe Pendleton 10 most overrated music acts in history.
P.S. Some bands on this list are bands I like, so before you get pissed off if one of your all-time favs is on here, sorry.



10. THE SEX PISTOLS.
These dirt bags are credited as the fathers of punk rock, yet their ONE and ONLY ALBUM - Never Mind the Bullocks - came out 1 year after the Ramones debut disc. Hmmmmmm. As underrated as the Ramones are, these cats are overrated. They were more style than substance. Now, in accordance with the rules, I'm not saying these dudes suck, but they get way too much credit for being the leaders of a punk movement that had already started in New York. Plus, how can a band that put out just 1 album be credited with being the founding fathers of anything?

9. THE EAGLES
For me, these cats walk the thin line between greatness and pure shit. I think some of their songs are real strong (Already Gone, Take It Easy) while some - Hotel California, Lying Eyes - are drawn out bores. Honestly, when I was 10 I thought HC was a great tune, but listen to it now, with that mediocre, extended guitar solo at the end, and it’s pretty much pure shit. Plus, their music laid the groundwork for Don Henley's vastly overrated/wussy solo career. I think the root of my overratedness feeling about them is the fact that they charged outrageous prices for their reunion tours. Seriously, what is the big deal with these cats? I can see the Stones & the Who asking for big bucks since they merit it. To me, these dudes can't hold a candle to Skynyrd or the Allman Brothers, yet they are put up on some pedestal with some of the best bands of all time. For my money, I'd rather have Joe Walsh solo or with the James Gang, instead of hanging out with Henley and Glen "Smugglers Blues' Frey.

8. LITTLE JOHNNIE COUGAR MELLENCAMP: If Bruce is a Dylan ripoff, this cat is a Bruce ripoff. Problem is, while Springsteen pulls it off, this cat doesn’t. He did for a while, but lately he’s become a total clown/schill. Now, I’ve hammered Bruce for putting out the jug band album, but even I realize at least the cat changed things up a bit. This cat hasn’t. Despite having dollar bills pouring out of his ass, and despite being married to a super model, he’s still trying to push the same old middle America, blue-collar bullshit. Mabye it’s the “Our Country” song that has pushed me over the top, but let’s face it, this cat was done about 2 seconds into the Van Morrison remake. He doesn’t totally suck, but should never, even be mentioned in the same sentence as Springsteen. (Yes, I know I mentioned him in the same sentence as Springsteen, but that was to prove a point).

7. THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND: There are a few things in life I just don’t understand. 1: How do you compute someone’s QB rating and why do people think it’s a relevant stat? 2: How are American Idol and Survivor two of the top-rated shows in the world? 3: How the hell is this cat popular? I just don’t get it. Now, I’ll admit I’ve never been under the influence of anything but alcohol and Mrs. Pendleton, so maybe I’m out of the loop on this one, but honestly, what is the big draw with this cat? His annoying voice? His 3 hour and 20 minute songs? What is it? Listen, I know getting high at his shows must be a fun thing to do, but honestly, you could get high watching Gilligan’s Island and have just as good of a time (someone told me that the Professor is really funny that way). And if you need to get high to enjoy the music, than something is severely wrong. Listen, I’ve been loaded at many a Bruce show, but when I sober up the next day, I still will pop in a CD (unless it’s that jug band one). I can’t imagine listening to this cat while sober. I know the kids like him, but I think it has more to do with lack of a good jam band (Grateful Dead anyone) than anything else.

6. FLEETWOOD MAC
These cats and kittens nearly cracked the top 3, but I honestly don't give that much of a shit about them. I think my ire/overratedness stems from the blow job the Rumors album gets anytime it's mentioned. I mean, it's an OK album, but 50 years from now, when some cat is talking about the most important albums of all time, it will be mentioned a few discs after a Toby Keith album. Again, they are OK, but an all-time great. Not even close.

5. PHIL COLLINS: Let me start by saying I hate this dude more than anyone. First, because his music is lame, and two, because he’s nailing Channel 2’s Dana Tyler. Anyway, this cat almost landed two spots on the list (one for himself, and one for Genesis), but I figured I’d condense them. First, the solo stuff. We all know it sucks, yet somehow he’s considered a great singer/songwriter. Su-su-sudio is proof enough that’s not true. And then there’s Genesis. I have to say I do enjoy the album with the yellow shapes on the cover, but I can’t say the reasons why (It has nothing to do with the music). However, their rise up the pop charts in the 80s drove me nuts. The songs were shitty, that “progressive” type of music is boring and I hate Phil Collins (have I said that yet). If there’s one act that really let their videos (and not their music) ride them to the top, it was these assclowns. Plus, Genesis spawned Mike and the Mechanics, reason enough to be ripped.

4. RUSH: Now I’ll admit, I, like everyone else I know went through a Rush phase. There was a two-week span where I couldn’t get enough of the Moving Pictures album – BUT THAT’S WHEN I WAS 13. I made a lot of bad choices back then. I still thought chicks were icky . Listen, Rush is OK, just OK. I mean when a band relies on its drummer to carry it, you’ve got some problems. Geddy Lee’s voice could make dogs commit suicide. The other knock on these clowns is they didn’t know when to go away. After their early 80’s success, they should’ve packed it in. But no, they had to go with “Roll the Bones” and “Early Distant Warning,” two over-produced pieces of shite. Over-produced is about how I would sum up Rush, which by the way stands for Really Useless Shitty Hacks. Ok, not usless, but severly overrated as being one of the greatest rock bands of all time.

3. KISS: Growing up in New Jersey, every kid I knew also loved these guys. But, while I thought chicks were Icky and Rush was cool, I saw through these guys immediately. First of all, they are overrated in the sense that the makeup thing was cool. It wasn’t. It was a direct Alice Cooper/New York Dolls ripoff. Second, their music pretty much blew. They are the perfect definition of style over substance. Honestly, if you ever hear anyone talk about Kiss, their songs are about 20th on the priority list. First you talk about the makeup, then Gene Simmons’ tongue, then about the makeup, about what they might look like without the makeup, then about when they took the makeup off and so on and so on. Two other knocks on them, they needed to put out a totally puss song (Beth, sorry JG) to crack any pop charts, and they also banged out a shameful disco tune (I Was Made for Loving You). Really, the only good song they ever banged out is Hard-Luck Woman, and, of course, Ace Frehley’s “New York Groove.” By the way, did you know KISS stands for Sucks.

2. WILLIAM JOEL: When I leave this planet, I’m gonna know immediately if I’m in heaven or hell. If I’m in heaven, I will walk into Shea Stadium, where 50 super models with an unlimited supply of beer will be waiting for me to play an eternity’s worth of Wiffle Ball. But, if I walk into a room full of annoying chicks singing Piano Man at the top of their lungs, I’ll know Satan took me in a fantasy draft. I HATE THIS CAT. HATE with a capital HATE and I don’t understand why he is so popular. I’ll give you his music was good when he first came along. The Stranger album is great and Glass Houses even has its moments, but from then on, it’s been pure shit. The Innocent Man album, featuring suck rock classics as “Uptown Girl,” and “Tell Her About It,” was a huge success, but it was really a huge piece of shit. But not his hughest, no he saved that for ”We Didn’t Start the Fire,” his musical trip through history. From then he’s been putting out crap on top of crap, on top of crap. Honestly, a lot of this list has hints of schtick, this is not. I just don’t get the deal with this cat. I could see chicks liking him and my parents liking him and 3-year-old liking him, but when I hear people my age say he’s great or he’s awesome, I want to hop in a car and drive into a house. As for Piano Man, it’s No. 1 on the list of songs I hate hearing people singing along to at bars. No. 2 is Paradise by the Dashboard Light. No. 3: Mony, Mony.

1. PINK FLOYD: When I saw a few weeks ago the JG went to AC to see a Floyd tribute band, I started to rethink this one since I value her musical judgment quite highly. But the more I thought about it (Sandman this is what’s held up the list, I really did debate this one for a week or so) I had to go with my heart. Unlike Dave Matthews, where fans have to get high to enjoy the music, I think Floyd fans get high to prevent dozing off during a song. To me, these cats are a pure fucking bore. The only time I really enjoyed a Floyd album is while watching the Wizard of Oz. Now, I do like a few tunes (even some boring ones) like Shine on You Crazy Diamond, Wish You Were Here, but that’s it. The more I hear The Wall, with the stupid kids singing and the sound effects and shit like that, the more I hate it. Perhaps some day when the Pendleton kids are of age, I’ll roll up a big fattie, pop on Dark Side of the Moon and see if things change, but for now, I find these cats vastly overrated. They are not the shittiest act on the list (Bill Joel will always hold that title), but they are the most overrated.

FEEL FREE TO RIP AWAY.

Well, there you go.

I'll let all you fans digest this one for a few days before I weigh in (excuse the pun) on the death of the great Anna Nicole Smith.

Also, a big update in the beer count.

IDIOT BOX FOXES

Well, as promised, I present my 10 hottest TV babes of my lifetime.

A few rules before we start.

This is a list of characters, not actresses, hence you'll find no Chrissy Snow on the list. While it's true Sue Sommers was banging, Ms. Snow was just too stupid to be around.

Also, these are shows that I have watched, so if there is some dame from ER or some other dopey show like that, you'll have to assume I didn't or don't watch that show. So here goes:

10. Jan Brady (The Brady Bunch): That's right, it says Jan, not Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Listen, when Jan was at that awkward age, she was a huge dweeb while Marcia was so hot even Greg (remember, they're not related) couldn't stop from checking her out. But as Jan grew (I think her stint at Haskell's Ice Cream Shop gave her lots of confidence) she became hotter than Marcia if you ask me. The proof is in the picture. Plus, she probably got so tired of hearing about Marcia in high school that, well, you know. The only thing I wouldn't do with her is ask her to handle any ingraving order.

9. Chloe O'Brian (24): I know, I know this dame is nuts and she always has a goofy look on her grill, but I gotta say there is something about her that gets my CTU going. Maybe it's her amazing computer skills (nah), her ability to be calm under pressure (nah), the fact that when she needed to, she whipped out a machine gun and killed some terrorists (yes). The only problem with her is she's got this friend named Jack and it seems everyone who comes around him (with the exception of Chloe) is killed violently. Oh well, it's worth the risk.

8. Kim Possible (Kim Possible): A high school cheerleader who hangs out at a Mexican Fast Food Joint, who's parents are loaded, and who can kick bad guy's arses all over the world. What is there not to like? She does hang out with a dweeb named Ron Stoppable, but, believe me, that cat ain't getting it done. When it comes to super hero's, she's the superest. I had to keep this one sort of clean, she's only 17.

7. Kelly Kapowski (Saved by the Bell): As if we all need any more proof how much of a dope Screetch was, he was more interested in Lisa Turtle while this was running around Bayside High (many times in a cheerleader outfit). Listen, I'm sure old Screech knew he had no shot with her, but for God's sake man, try it. Who knows, maybe he could've come up with some scientific way to poison Zach and Slater without anyone know it was him. Maybe he could've had his computer Kevin off both of them. Anyway, Ms. Kapowski was perhaps the best looking chick in any high school show ever, and this was before she got implants and moved to Beverly Hills. I wonder if Belding ever ... Nah, he was more clueless than old Samuel Powers.

6. Agent 99 (Get Smart): Hey Joe, you'll be teamed with a sexy partner, with a great voice, and great body and be facing danger at every turn. My response: "And loving it." My hormones would go into CHAOS whenever she hit the screen. I just wonder what she saw in a dude who was completely clueless and talked into a shoe. You see that a lot in TV.

5. Jeannie (I Dream of Jeannie): Who doesn't dream of her. I've always said if I ever hit the lottery, I'm gonna buy a huge hut and one room in that hut will look exactly like the inside of Jeannie's bottle. You know, the circular velvet couch with all the cushions. By the way, didn't it seem like Dr. Bellows was over Major Nelson's house an awful lot.

4. Natalia Boa Vista (CSI: Miami): If it weren't for her overly dramatic boss, Horatio Cane, she could be No. 1 on looks alone. The only knock against her is she doesn't seem to do much at work, which suggests she might think she's all that. However, if she arrived at my hut with her kit after an episode, she'd have no trouble finding my DNA.

3. Samantha Spade (Without a Trace): Yeah, I know, it's a show about missing people and kids and stuff like that. Well, you know what, when she pops up on the screen, I feel nothing is missing. Not only is she gorgeous, she's extremely smart. It's amazing how many hot chicks work for the FBI. Only bad thing, the Feds don't let her dress up like this at work.

2. Catwoman (Batman): I never rooted against Batman, except when he came across this purrrfect specimen. Now while the black Catwoman was hot, nothing topped the one pictured here. Holy Hottie I cried every time I saw her. If I could see in the TV listings it was a Catwoman episode on that day I would fake a fever to stay home from school. However, by the time she hit the screen with that skin-tight suit and that voice of hers, I had a real fever and was heading for the bat pole everytime.

1. Jamie Sommers (The Bionic Woman): A strange No. 1 pick you say. Screw you, I say. She was my first love. From her bionic hand (hey-now) to the way she brushed her hair back when she needed to use the bionic ear (as if any hair would block a sound from 3 miles away) she had it all. Plus, despite a 6-million dollar man running around, she was single. What sold it for me was the episode when - while doing some undercover work at the Miss America Pageant, she sang "Feelings." I'm sure with that bionic ear of her should could hear me saying "I love you" through the TV screen.

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed it. Now I can go back to mourning Barbaro. If the government had any class they would make Jan. 27 a national holiday to honor this great champion. I mean, who cares about the 1,000s of soldiers dying in Iraq, this was a special horse who got better treatment at a hospital than most humans do. A tragic loss indeed. I was glued to the TV all day watching the coverage. Well, I'll drop this now, I don't want to beat a dead horse.

Beer count at 5.