THREE FOR THE ROAD

Well, ask and unfortunately, you shall recieve.

Just a few hours ago, in a post dedicated to Don Knotts and Darin McGaven, I wondered who the 3rd celeb to die would be.

As it turns out, Mr. Dennis "McCloud" Weaver, has also checked out. Not only did all three die on Friday, all three's first name began with a 'D'. Freaky, eh?

Not only was Weaver the star of McCloud and Gunsmoke, he also starred in Steven Speilberg's first ever movie - a little TV film called Duel.

Anyway, adios Don, adios Dennis, adios Darren.

By the way, in between the last post and this one, I had a beer. It was my first beer in about a week and just No. 14 on the year. I have to tell you, for the first time, I really, thoroughly enjoyed it. Usually, I drink beer just to drink, but this one - a Miller Lite - in a nice glass, was quite refreshing.

ADIOS, MR. LIMPETT

Beer count still at 13, but after this weekend's celebrity deaths, It could very well rise.

First Don Knotts goes out on Friday. While most folks in their 30s will remember his as Mr. Furley from Three's Company, I remember him from the film the "Incredible Mr. Limpett." It's a story where a dude becomes a fish. Don't remember anything else, but I remember that. Of course, Knotts will be remembered for his role as Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith show. Also, he starred in the greatest disney movie ever - Gus. It's a film about a field-goal kicking donkey.

As Barney, he was the original 40-year-old virgin, though I hear in real life old Donny boy was quite the stud. Three's Company was more likely a title of a show abuot life in his trailer.

Then, on Saturday, Darren McGaven checks out. Most remember him as the dad in an X-mas Story, but I remember him most as the dude on the Night Stalker show.
Funny thing I never watched that show, because the commercials themselves scared the hell out of me. By the way, if you've ever wondered what happened to Ralphie, that's him above Knotts. As you can, I haven't figured out hte photo deal yet.

Now, we all sit and wait for No. 3 to go out. I wonder who it will be.

If you get a second check out this website www.metallagher.com


Last thing. A new feature on FNC will be a mystery photo. Please tell me who this former child star is on the very top.

WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND

A few notes from the Presidents Holiday Weekend.

1. Beer count upped to 13 (read below for details).

2. I did get some news about a huge bump in the beer count. My buddy Steve won a ticket lottery and now has 4 ticks to Yanks-Red Sox at Fenway on May 24 (a wednesday). The big trouble is, it's a likely 5 p.m. start, which means I roll out of the ballpark around 8:30 in Beantown. Look for a double-digit intake that night.

3. My goal is now to not have another beer until St. Paddy's day, where there's little doubt, the beer count can double (from 13 t0 26).

4. I did realize Saturday night that people are generally stupid. My wife and I went to see Martina McBride at Radio City. Let me say, I'm not a country music cat, but she put on a great show and she's quite easy on the eyes. Anyway, they were selling about 8 oz. Martina Rita's at the show for $10 each. I saw hundreds about people drinking these things - at $10 a pop. I really wanted one, but refused because A: I wouldn't pay $10 for any drink unless it included a lap dance from McBride, 2: I wouldn't pay $10 for a drink where most of the money was going into Dolan's pockets and 3: I'm a cheap bastard, I mean, I generally refuse to pay overinflated prices at a concert (sorry, but $35 for a t-shirt that will last 2-3 trips to the washing machine, is a little too much).

5. NASCAR is a joke. Listen, I know millions of people are into it, but this rule that a race can end under a caution flag is a friggin joke. Imagine a baseball game where some dude on the bench for one of the teams gets hurt and they end the game right there. I can't imagine watching cars driving in circles for 3 hours only to have it end like that.

6. If the NHL allows its players to participate in the next Olympics, they need to impliment some sort of system where players can be disciplined for shit that goes on over there. Of course you know I'm whining about that hit on Jagr the other day. If Rutuu had done that in the NHL, he would be suspended at least 2-3 games. However, since he did it at the Olympics, nothing happened to the dude. So, if Todd Bertuzzi takes a stick to someone else's head, he could be suspsended for a few olympic games, but then skate right back into action when the NHL season resumes. Something's not right there.

7. Speaking of the Olympics, I'm red, white and blue as they come, but it dawned on me watching Team USA's game Sunday vs. Sweeden that I pretty much hate every dude on Team USA (except for Chelios, who I met once and was really cool.) Besides that, the rest of them are a-holes I always root against. Maybe if Leetch was there, I'd be more fired up.

8. With Ash Wednesday coming this week, I'm trying to think of something to give up. The problem is, all my vices (beer, soda, fast food, sweets) have already been given up. Maybe I'm cease ripping folks for a 40 days, but we'll see. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

That's all for now.

Love, Joe.

BREAKING NEWS

Beer count skyrockets to



13.

OK, so it's just one beer, but it's my first since Jan. 2. It was Miller Lite draft at ---- a movie theatre.

In wonderful downtown Dunellen, there's a movie theatre that has a bar attached to it. You can order pizza or whatever ever food they sell at the bar and they deliver it to your table - that's right, your table.

Me, the Mrs and kids went to see Curious George and that's where I had the taste.

If you have kids or just enjoy getting loaded at a kid's movie, this joint is for you.

Don't expect Dolby sound or anything like that, but at $6 a ticket ($4 for kids), it's worth it.

THey even have a deal where you get two tickets, a pizza and a pitcher of beer for $22.

Stay tuned for other beer count updates, but don't hold your breath.

WAYNE'S WHIRL

Beer count: Still at 12.

Some random thoughts from this week.

1. Who would've ever thought a member of the Flyers would be involved in illegal activities. Shocking.

2. People are ripping Wayne Gretzky saying "didn't he wonder where the $500,000 grand went." Well, I think he's spent most of the time wondering where how she went from this to this.

3. I was thinking about Wayne Gretzky on my way home last night. Think about this, his entire life, he's never - EVER - had to answer ONE question about his off-the-ice actions. NEVER. NEVER. And now, because some dopey ex-Flyer and his dopey wife want to bet $5,000 on a coin flip, he's getting badgered everyday. Women.

4. I won't get pumped up for the Rangers until everyone is home from Turin in one piece. Speaking of the Rangers, I don't care what Sid Crosby is doing or what Alex Ovechkin is doing, this Hank Lundqvist is the NHL rookie of the year, and quite possibly, the regular season MVP - though the honor could go to Jags.

5. Is there something wrong with Dick Vitale? His voice sounds shot and hoarse all the time. What's up there?

6. Gotta say I'm not too fired up for spring training this year. I have a bad, bad feeling about the Mets this year. I mean, a lot of people say they didn't get much better, but honestly, swapping Looper for Wagner is a big improvement right there. Plus you have Delgado at first instead of Doug "I suck" Mientkiewicz. Plus, Wright and Reyes can only get better (right?) and Beltran had to get better (right?) . Still, with a pitching staff looking older than Janet Jones, I have some serious concerns. THe only bright side is, the rest of the division, besides the Braves, suddenly sucks. The Marlins will blow, and the Phillies - well, they have Arthur Rhodes setting up for Tom Gordon. The Nats, they should be good, but they don't worry me. Really, the Mets worry me.

7. Might have a beer this weekend. The last time a major snowfall hit, me and my neighbors had a shovel/drinking party outside. So stay tuned. If I can make it through this weekend without a taste or two, I may be able to hold out until St. Patty's Day.

That's all for now. Enjoy the snow, and Happy Valentine's day to everyone.

THE TOILET BOWL

Before I start my rant on the Super Bowl, a big shout out to my brother mike, who won a Writers Guild Award Saturday night in Hollywood for a Simpsons episode he wrote. Not only that, he got to do schtick with Seth Green, who presented the award. Congrats Mike.







OK, everyone is weighing in on that awful Super Bowl Sunday. It was the first SB in a long time where neither team deserved to win. But mostly what I took from yesterday's game was:

1. Football sucks. OK, it's a great sport, don't get me wrong. I love it. But ... the rules of the game and the way it is officiated is awful. First the little stuff. Any sport that pretty much hinges on 50-year-old men spotting a ball where they think it should go from 40 yards across the field is just asking for trouble. Any sport that has 50-year-old men trying to keep up 25-year-old muscle heads is asking for trouble. At least in baseball, the fat umps don;t have to move that much. In NBA the court is small enough and in the NHL, the refs are amazing skaters and, for the most part, young enough to keep up with play.
Now, the big thing. I propose, and I hope Mr. Tagliabue is listening, that from this day foward, the ENTIRE ball has to cross the plain for a TD to count. Sort of like hockey, where the entire puck has to cross the goal line for a goal to count. That TD Big Ben scored yesterday might've been the softest TD in the history of football. Let me ask you this, if you are playing football with your friends and try to say that's a TD, they would kick the shit out of you. Imagine a game where dudes hammer each other all day long comes down to a pussy TD where - maybe 1 centimeter of the ball, scratched the goal line.

2. I hate Super Sunday. It's like the Kentucky Derby and shit like that. People that couldn't give a shit about football all year long come out in droves to watch this spectacle. Let's face it, it's a made-for-TV event not meant for football fans, but for the rest of america. Think about the Derby. Unless you go to Monmouth Park to drink tastes and smoke stogies, you don't give a shit about horse racing. But you watch the derby. At least that's only 2 minutes long and there's no breaking the plain crap.

3. The Stones should hang it up. Nuff said.

4. John Madden should hang it up. He really, really sucks. He brings nothing to the table. His schtick is older than Keith Richards.

5. Al Michaels is the most overrated play-by-play man ever. If I knew in 1980 what I know now, I would've rooted for Russia to roll over Team USA, so that cat could never do his "Do You Believe in Miracles" crap and make a career for himself. The dude is so pompous, so arrogant. He is everything that football shouldn't be about, but everything it is about now.

6. I'd rather have Mike Martz coach my team than Mike Holmgren. At least when Martz has troubles with clock management, it's not a shock and his players know what to do. Yestrerday, at the end of each half, Holmgren when into total vapor-lock mode and cost his team - at the very least - 6 points. Maybe Favre's not overrated afterall.

7. Did I mention the NFL sucks.

8. Did I mention I'm counting the days until the Rams sked comes out.

9. If I have to read one more story about the SB commercials, it's Hary Cary time (and I don't mean the former cub announcer).

10. Beer count still at 12.

FAVRE AND (HOPEFULLY) AWAY

Ok, I know this post will anger a certain fan of fishingnotcatching, but I have to get this off my chest. It's been brewing for a few years, and I finally have a forum, and, believe it or not, it's timely.

Much has been made this week on ESPN about an interview with a certain overrated QB, who says he may be leaning toward retirement. His name, of course, if Brett Favre.

This is about the 4th straight offseason where this cat has hemmed and hawed about retiring or not. Well, I have two statements/questions regarding this annual soap opera.

1. WHO REALLY CARES
Besides people who have nothing better to do than put cheese on their head and clog their arteries with bratwurst and cheddar 24/7, nobody gives a crap about this dude - expect Jersey girl - of course.
I mean, honestly, what makes this guy so special? OK, he won ONE Super Bowl (so has Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson). He lost a Super Bowl his team had no right losing (so did Kurt Warner). He played 30 seconds after his dad died. He was in a Farrely brothers movie (so was Roger Clemens, Cam Neely and Ron Darling).
Besides that, what has he done? OK, he's put up some good passing numbers, but in reality, he's won ONE big game in his career. Let's not forget all the dogs he's put up. Remember the 6 INTs against the Rams in a playoff game. SIX. Remember the home playoff loss - at night - to Ron Mexico and crew. Basically, his dopey, hick act makes him lovable to the dopes in middle america who voted for 'W'. And that's it. This year, when he didn't have a championship team around him, he sh-t the bed all season.

2. PLEASE GO AWAY.
Honestly, Brett. If you actually decide to retire the NFL will go on without you. I mean, John Elway and Joe Montana - guys who have won more than 1 big game in their lives - have left, and I believe the NFL is still in business. The Packers will be OK. I mean, if they can go 5-11 with you, they can go 5-11 without you. And don't worry, the dopes in Northern Wisconsin will still go to Lambeau on Sunday even if you're home in Mississippi spitting tobaci. Please, for all of us, Brett, just go away. And please, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE, don't go into the broadcast booth. Dandy Don's act was funny 30 years ago. It won't work now.