RANT MUSIC

Ok, it's been a while. The beer count is around 75. Something about the warm weather makes we want to bang down tastes. Anyway, t0 get a better idea of what goes on between my ears, here are a few random thoughts from the mind of Joe Pendleton.

1. I used to think the easiest job in America was hosting America's Funniest Videos. Seriously, all you have to do is do schtick at about 10 seconds at a time in between clips of dudes getting hit in the balls. Now, my kids watch this show on syndication - it's constantly on WGN - and they love the current dude Tom Bergeron. Again, I used to think it was a cake job, but recently WGN has been showing the season with Daisy Fuentes and John Fugelsang and let me tell you, those two fucking suck huge ass. Daisy Fuentes - who, back in the day, was grossly overrated looks wise, but was a pioneer in the Latin whore phenomenon, could be the worst "talent" ever on TV. If you get a chance watch the show, it's on WGN at 7 p.m. every night just to see how God awful she is. It's painful.

See, I told you a trip into my lid may not be pretty.

2. I went to a Little League game the other day to catch the neighbor's kid in action, and I have to say I came away disgusted and vocally wondering what's happened to this country. First of all, there is no smoking allowed anywhere on the complex. I mean, tobacco and baseball go together like football and beer. What the fuck? Since, I don't smoke, I really don't care, but then the game starts, the first kid comes to bat and there's complete silence. No 'Hey, batter, batter, swiiiiiiiiing batter chants." No 'WE want a pithcer, not a belly itcher" chant from the batting team's dugout. I mean, is this world so fucking politically correct that the other team can't try to induce the other kid to swing at shitty pitches - which, by the way, is all they see? These kids are gonna watch Ferris Bueller a few years from now and not know what the hell he's saying during that scene in Wrigley. And then they have a rule that a team can only score 3 runs in an inning. ONce they get to 3 runs, the inning is over. The KC Royals should implement that rule. Of course, no tastes anywhere. Somewhere, Morris Buttermaker is spinning in his grave.

3. Since I mentioned smoking, two things. This commercial they run duing the Mets games about a dude with cancer telling people to quit smoking is the most powerful ad I've ever scene. If I did smoke, I'd stop or go broke. And finally, a big shout out to Dick Cody for getting the NJ smoking ban passed, a ban that goes into effect on April 14. For all of you who smoke out there, I'm know it's an inconvenience to go outside and smoke, but it's a bigger inconvenience for non-smokers to smell like shit for three days after going to a bar. With clear skies in local bowling alleys, I can see scores going up all over the state.

4. He's only been a Yankee for about a week, Johnny Damon has moved ahead of Derek Jeter and A-Rod on my most-hated list. For a man who a year ago said he would never play with the Yanks, you get the impression now that he goes home every night and tosses off on his pinstripes. He almost makes A-Rod seem sincere. Since we are talking baseball right now, a quesiton for you Yankee fans: If Omar calls Brian Cashman tomorrow and offers D. Wright for A-rod, striaght up, do you do it? From a Met standpoint, I say no fucking way.

For all of you people out there trying to figure out a way to entertain young children, Ice Age 2 the Meltdown was quite entertaining. Of course, I saw it at the theatre in Dunellen, NJ in which they bring pizza and beer to your seats, so that didn't hurt either.

Happy Easter and Happy (is that the right word?) Passover to everyone out there.

RADIO DAZE

Since everyone is fired up over my post over the Wagner/Mo controversy created by two certain clowns in NY, my thought was we come up with a new entrance song for them.

So here are a few of my suggestions and then you guys can add your own. These are in no particular order:

1. He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother - The Hollies.

2. American Idiot - Green Day

3. Eat It - Weird Al Yankovick

4. Out of Touch - Hall and Oates

5. Bitch - The Rolling Stones

6. Girls Talk - Dave Edmunds

7. Wedding Bell Blues (Which features the lyrics "I wanna marry you Bill") referring to a certain Dallas Cowboy Coach.

8. Guerrilla Radio - Rage Against The Machine

9. I hate the Mets - Some Dopey Yankee fan

10. The Sounds of Silence - Simon and Garfunkle

ENTER FATMAN

Baseball season is here and New York already has its first baseball controversy.

In case you don't live in New York or just have the common sense not to spend your day listening to the two arrogant a-holes on New York's sports leader, you may have missed the two of them ripping new Met closer Billy Wagner for having "Enter Sandman" played when he came into the game in the ninth inning today. Their reasoning is, the song belongs to Mariano Rivera and therefore Wagner - despite the fact that it has been his theme song for several years - should literally change his tune. Of course, the two radio hosts - both Met haters and Met fan agitators - are completely wrong again, and here's why.

1. I guarantee, GUARANTEE, that Billy Wagner actually picked the song for himself, while Mo didn't. Think about it, Wagner is a white dude from West Virginia, and Mariano is from Panama. Who do you think actually likes Metallica? Honestly, what are the chances some dude working the Yankee Stadium PA system picked that out for Rivera and what are the chances that Wagner actually heard the song on the radio and said "that sounds like a good song for me."

2. Wagner has been a closer since 1996. Rivera started in 1997. The song came out in 1996. Therefore, chances are they both have been using the song the same amount of time or Wagner actually adopted it first.

3. Last time i checked the Metallica black album, there are no writing or publishing credits for a M. Rivera on the album. He has no more friggin rights the song than Wagner does. F him.

4. Yankee fans honestly believe they not only invented baseball, but they, because they root for a team who's payroll is twice of it's nearest competitior, think they carry more clout in the sport. Well, f them, too. I think the fact that Wagner plays the song infuriates them is the No. 1 reason to keep playing it. Hell, the Mets should crank it when Anderson Hernandez comes to bat.

5. What are the Mets supposed to do? Tell their $13 million closer that "We really like you, but we don't want to offend the greatest franchise in sports, so you have to change your song." And what is Wagner supposed to do? Change his song because it may offend some dopey guido in the Bronx who couldn't spell Metallica if his sorry life depended on it.

In closing, F the Yankees, F Mike and the Mad Dog and F Metallica (the song is overrated anyway). Rock on William Wagner.

NEIGHBOR-HOODS

Beer count: I'm gonna say it's up to about 48. I had 4 the other night in the city while attneding a fund-raiser (they got no funds out of me, though) and had about 8-9 at the Big St. Paddy's Day party on Saturday.

Either I'm getting older, or I'm just a drunk or I have no life (or all of the above), but that damn party is one of my favorite days of the year. The dude who runs it has a great party house if you have kids. He has this downstairs room where they pretty much entertain themselves for hours while the parents stay upstairs, drinking, eating, golfing and watching hoops.

Now, I did get ripped by a guest at the party and the dude was absolutely right. I arrived wearing my Guiness pants and a Guiness hooded sweatshirt. However, I wasn't in the mood to drink the stuff, so I was pretty much drinking Miller Lite all night. Some dude called me on it, pretty much saying how could a walking Guinness ad drink Miller Lite. I realized he was right, so I had 1 Guinness and then stopped drinking. Awful job by me.

SPeaking of hooded sweatshirts, I have a piece of advice for anyone out there. If you spend a lot of time at work on the phone, don't wear a hooded sweatshirt. It becomes a real pain in the ass, especially if you have one of those neck things on your phone that prevents Frezzaitis. Of course, on Sundays, I usually bust out the hoody and get easily frustrated.

Now, picking up my homeowners rant from the last post, I just spent $150 today on lawn care stuff and can estimate at least another $150 to go before I can spend 8 hours Saturday and 8 hours Sunday trying to make my grass look good. Of course, no matter how hard I work and how much I spend, it will look good until about mid-July, when New Jersey becomes a dry, barren wasteland and all grass turns to hay. I'm thinking of having the cement dude just pave over the whole yard and can build a hoop court in the backyard.

Anyway, Opening Day just 7 days away, but as long as the Rangers are in the hunt for the Cup, I'm not too fired up for baseball, yet.

PRESSING YOUR LUCK

From the huge-story-of-the-week-that-completely-slipped-under-the-radar file, did anyone see last week that former "Press Your Luck" host Peter Tamarkan was killed in a small plane crash last week. It happens. However, Tamarkan and his wife - who was also killed - were on their way to pick up a cancer patient and fly him to a special clinic as part of a charity deal.
Can you fucking believe that? Not only does that suck for Tamarkan and his dame, imagine how the cancer dude feels? Talk about being jinxed. I guess all three of them got the ultimate whammy.

A few other thoughts:

If you don't own a house, don't start now. I just wrote a check for 2Gs for a new sidewalk. A sidwalk. It's not something me and family can enjoy on a hot summer afternoon or I can show off to friends and family.

I had to get it done because my old sidewalk was cracked and at parts, uneven. Basically it was a risk in case some kid wiped out on his scooter and his money-grubbing parents decided to cash in. Don't laugh. A few years ago in my neighborhood, some kid got hit in the mouth with a Wiffle ball bat (that's right a Wiffle ball bat), in the backyard of a friend. Now get this, it wasn't even the yard of the kid who swung the bat, so the parents of the kid who got hit with the bat sued the homeowner's insurance company of the people who's yard it happened in and that of the people who's kid did the swinging. I assume they won since the dude hardly works yet owns a brand-new SUV and just installed a huge above-ground pool in his yard. What a great country we live in.

Speaking of our great county, nothing makes me more irate than when the AP moves a Top 5 list of the top songs, TV shows and DVD rentals in this fine land. First, the TV. Every week, American Idol is No. 1 and No. 2. HOw can this be? Are Americans that dumb that they have to watch some English dude rip wannabe stars two nights a week. Doesn't anyone read anymore?

Then, there the song lists. I don't recognize any of the songs and/or artists and it's not because I'm old, it's because I don't listen to Hot97. Honestly, I know 80's pop music - for the most part - is pure shit, but damn, it's better than this crap being put out these days. I mean, I'll take Karma Chameleon any day of the week over this crap.

As for movies/DVDs. It's scary how many kids movies and DVDs rule the roost. It's pretty much because parents would rather have Spongebob and Barbie babysit their kids (I'd love to have Barbie babysit my kids, by the way, HEY NOW) instead of watching them themselves. By the way, as I type this, my kid is on Hour 3 of Dora the Explorer.

Anyway, a few rants after giving a big check to dude for putting concrete all over my front yard.

Happy Spring to all.

WHO DOES NO. 2 WORK FOR?

Beer Count: I'm estimating it's about 30-35 right now after a wild St. Paddy's day.

It started out kinda slow, first taste around 2:30 on Friday. About 11 hours later, I was cooked. So cooked, that when I woke up Saturday morning, I immediately remembered why I quit drinking in the first place.

First of all, I felt like complete crap. Speaking of crap, let's just say the Guinness that exited my arse Saturday morning looked exactly like the Guinness I was pouring down my throat Friday night. Same color, consistency, stench.

And then, about 2 hours later, I was trying to cut down a big bush in my first yard and I swear I almost passed out.

As for Friday night, my buddy Gerry and I hit the local Irish bar in town. Things were going pretty well, when - on about my 9th Smithwicks, I started yapping with some tired broad and she brought up how much she loved the Yankees. Now, I can spot a fake yankee fan a mile away, and she was one. Of course, in my drunken state, I had to make her prove what a great Yankee fan she was, and therefore put her to the test.

Question 1: What is Derek Jeter's number?

Her answer: Complete silence.

Now, had I been completely sober, I would've ripped her a new one. So, needless to say, I friggin hammered her. About 45 minutes later, she was telling me to f--c off and so on and so forth. I was quite proud of myself.

On the way home from the bar, another friend informed me that not only was the dame a psychopath, but she is the person who is in charge of hot lunches at my daughter's school, and I should be prepared to make a lot of PB&Js the rest of her grammar school career.

So with that guilt on my aching head Saturday morning, I swore I was giving up drinking for a long time. The problem is, I have a big St. Paddy's Day party to attend this Saturday. It will be a real test. My goal is to not have a drink until Memorial Day weekend, but that could all go to hell around 3:30 p.m. this Saturday.

Stay tuned for more details.

IMITATION OSCAR

Beer count: 14

After watching last night's Oscars, I realized two things.
1. I'm so glad I don't go to the movies that much anymore, because if Crash is the best movie of last year, I'm not missing anything.

2. The best actor/actress category has to be refined.
This second one comes from my friend Joe, who brought up a great point last night. He says people who portray famous people in a movie shouldn't be eligible for an Oscar. And you know what, he's right. I mean, Reese Witherspoon and Phil Hoffman did a nice job, but really all they are doing is imitating someone famous. All they had to prepare for their role was watch film of the person and do whatever they did. Piece of cake. I mean, Jim Carrey had to come up with character of Lloyd Christmas all by himself. All HOffman did was imitate Capote. I'm sure somewhere Rich Little is kicking himself somewhere, realizing he could've won about 100 Oscars in his prime.
Plus, if you play someone famous, and do it well, most movie-goers are blown away by your performance because they have a point of reference to judge your performance against.

Now, back to Crash. If you haven't seen it - DON'T. Ir you really want to, don't read on. If you have seen it, my biggest complaint is the movie is too far-fetched. I mean, of the thousands of cops running around L.A., how it is that Matt Dillon pulls over a dame one night and the next day, he's the first cop on call when she's involved in an accident. And for Ryan Witherspoon, the same thing happens to him. I mean, that wouldn't happen in a town of 15,000 people, let alone L.A. It was too forced, too coincidental. I think Oscar voters would rather come off as homophobic than racist and that's why this flick won instead of Brokeback.

To me, the best movie of last year was "Batman Begins" but that's just me.

THREE FOR THE ROAD

Well, ask and unfortunately, you shall recieve.

Just a few hours ago, in a post dedicated to Don Knotts and Darin McGaven, I wondered who the 3rd celeb to die would be.

As it turns out, Mr. Dennis "McCloud" Weaver, has also checked out. Not only did all three die on Friday, all three's first name began with a 'D'. Freaky, eh?

Not only was Weaver the star of McCloud and Gunsmoke, he also starred in Steven Speilberg's first ever movie - a little TV film called Duel.

Anyway, adios Don, adios Dennis, adios Darren.

By the way, in between the last post and this one, I had a beer. It was my first beer in about a week and just No. 14 on the year. I have to tell you, for the first time, I really, thoroughly enjoyed it. Usually, I drink beer just to drink, but this one - a Miller Lite - in a nice glass, was quite refreshing.

ADIOS, MR. LIMPETT

Beer count still at 13, but after this weekend's celebrity deaths, It could very well rise.

First Don Knotts goes out on Friday. While most folks in their 30s will remember his as Mr. Furley from Three's Company, I remember him from the film the "Incredible Mr. Limpett." It's a story where a dude becomes a fish. Don't remember anything else, but I remember that. Of course, Knotts will be remembered for his role as Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith show. Also, he starred in the greatest disney movie ever - Gus. It's a film about a field-goal kicking donkey.

As Barney, he was the original 40-year-old virgin, though I hear in real life old Donny boy was quite the stud. Three's Company was more likely a title of a show abuot life in his trailer.

Then, on Saturday, Darren McGaven checks out. Most remember him as the dad in an X-mas Story, but I remember him most as the dude on the Night Stalker show.
Funny thing I never watched that show, because the commercials themselves scared the hell out of me. By the way, if you've ever wondered what happened to Ralphie, that's him above Knotts. As you can, I haven't figured out hte photo deal yet.

Now, we all sit and wait for No. 3 to go out. I wonder who it will be.

If you get a second check out this website www.metallagher.com


Last thing. A new feature on FNC will be a mystery photo. Please tell me who this former child star is on the very top.

WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND

A few notes from the Presidents Holiday Weekend.

1. Beer count upped to 13 (read below for details).

2. I did get some news about a huge bump in the beer count. My buddy Steve won a ticket lottery and now has 4 ticks to Yanks-Red Sox at Fenway on May 24 (a wednesday). The big trouble is, it's a likely 5 p.m. start, which means I roll out of the ballpark around 8:30 in Beantown. Look for a double-digit intake that night.

3. My goal is now to not have another beer until St. Paddy's day, where there's little doubt, the beer count can double (from 13 t0 26).

4. I did realize Saturday night that people are generally stupid. My wife and I went to see Martina McBride at Radio City. Let me say, I'm not a country music cat, but she put on a great show and she's quite easy on the eyes. Anyway, they were selling about 8 oz. Martina Rita's at the show for $10 each. I saw hundreds about people drinking these things - at $10 a pop. I really wanted one, but refused because A: I wouldn't pay $10 for any drink unless it included a lap dance from McBride, 2: I wouldn't pay $10 for a drink where most of the money was going into Dolan's pockets and 3: I'm a cheap bastard, I mean, I generally refuse to pay overinflated prices at a concert (sorry, but $35 for a t-shirt that will last 2-3 trips to the washing machine, is a little too much).

5. NASCAR is a joke. Listen, I know millions of people are into it, but this rule that a race can end under a caution flag is a friggin joke. Imagine a baseball game where some dude on the bench for one of the teams gets hurt and they end the game right there. I can't imagine watching cars driving in circles for 3 hours only to have it end like that.

6. If the NHL allows its players to participate in the next Olympics, they need to impliment some sort of system where players can be disciplined for shit that goes on over there. Of course you know I'm whining about that hit on Jagr the other day. If Rutuu had done that in the NHL, he would be suspended at least 2-3 games. However, since he did it at the Olympics, nothing happened to the dude. So, if Todd Bertuzzi takes a stick to someone else's head, he could be suspsended for a few olympic games, but then skate right back into action when the NHL season resumes. Something's not right there.

7. Speaking of the Olympics, I'm red, white and blue as they come, but it dawned on me watching Team USA's game Sunday vs. Sweeden that I pretty much hate every dude on Team USA (except for Chelios, who I met once and was really cool.) Besides that, the rest of them are a-holes I always root against. Maybe if Leetch was there, I'd be more fired up.

8. With Ash Wednesday coming this week, I'm trying to think of something to give up. The problem is, all my vices (beer, soda, fast food, sweets) have already been given up. Maybe I'm cease ripping folks for a 40 days, but we'll see. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

That's all for now.

Love, Joe.

BREAKING NEWS

Beer count skyrockets to



13.

OK, so it's just one beer, but it's my first since Jan. 2. It was Miller Lite draft at ---- a movie theatre.

In wonderful downtown Dunellen, there's a movie theatre that has a bar attached to it. You can order pizza or whatever ever food they sell at the bar and they deliver it to your table - that's right, your table.

Me, the Mrs and kids went to see Curious George and that's where I had the taste.

If you have kids or just enjoy getting loaded at a kid's movie, this joint is for you.

Don't expect Dolby sound or anything like that, but at $6 a ticket ($4 for kids), it's worth it.

THey even have a deal where you get two tickets, a pizza and a pitcher of beer for $22.

Stay tuned for other beer count updates, but don't hold your breath.

WAYNE'S WHIRL

Beer count: Still at 12.

Some random thoughts from this week.

1. Who would've ever thought a member of the Flyers would be involved in illegal activities. Shocking.

2. People are ripping Wayne Gretzky saying "didn't he wonder where the $500,000 grand went." Well, I think he's spent most of the time wondering where how she went from this to this.

3. I was thinking about Wayne Gretzky on my way home last night. Think about this, his entire life, he's never - EVER - had to answer ONE question about his off-the-ice actions. NEVER. NEVER. And now, because some dopey ex-Flyer and his dopey wife want to bet $5,000 on a coin flip, he's getting badgered everyday. Women.

4. I won't get pumped up for the Rangers until everyone is home from Turin in one piece. Speaking of the Rangers, I don't care what Sid Crosby is doing or what Alex Ovechkin is doing, this Hank Lundqvist is the NHL rookie of the year, and quite possibly, the regular season MVP - though the honor could go to Jags.

5. Is there something wrong with Dick Vitale? His voice sounds shot and hoarse all the time. What's up there?

6. Gotta say I'm not too fired up for spring training this year. I have a bad, bad feeling about the Mets this year. I mean, a lot of people say they didn't get much better, but honestly, swapping Looper for Wagner is a big improvement right there. Plus you have Delgado at first instead of Doug "I suck" Mientkiewicz. Plus, Wright and Reyes can only get better (right?) and Beltran had to get better (right?) . Still, with a pitching staff looking older than Janet Jones, I have some serious concerns. THe only bright side is, the rest of the division, besides the Braves, suddenly sucks. The Marlins will blow, and the Phillies - well, they have Arthur Rhodes setting up for Tom Gordon. The Nats, they should be good, but they don't worry me. Really, the Mets worry me.

7. Might have a beer this weekend. The last time a major snowfall hit, me and my neighbors had a shovel/drinking party outside. So stay tuned. If I can make it through this weekend without a taste or two, I may be able to hold out until St. Patty's Day.

That's all for now. Enjoy the snow, and Happy Valentine's day to everyone.

THE TOILET BOWL

Before I start my rant on the Super Bowl, a big shout out to my brother mike, who won a Writers Guild Award Saturday night in Hollywood for a Simpsons episode he wrote. Not only that, he got to do schtick with Seth Green, who presented the award. Congrats Mike.







OK, everyone is weighing in on that awful Super Bowl Sunday. It was the first SB in a long time where neither team deserved to win. But mostly what I took from yesterday's game was:

1. Football sucks. OK, it's a great sport, don't get me wrong. I love it. But ... the rules of the game and the way it is officiated is awful. First the little stuff. Any sport that pretty much hinges on 50-year-old men spotting a ball where they think it should go from 40 yards across the field is just asking for trouble. Any sport that has 50-year-old men trying to keep up 25-year-old muscle heads is asking for trouble. At least in baseball, the fat umps don;t have to move that much. In NBA the court is small enough and in the NHL, the refs are amazing skaters and, for the most part, young enough to keep up with play.
Now, the big thing. I propose, and I hope Mr. Tagliabue is listening, that from this day foward, the ENTIRE ball has to cross the plain for a TD to count. Sort of like hockey, where the entire puck has to cross the goal line for a goal to count. That TD Big Ben scored yesterday might've been the softest TD in the history of football. Let me ask you this, if you are playing football with your friends and try to say that's a TD, they would kick the shit out of you. Imagine a game where dudes hammer each other all day long comes down to a pussy TD where - maybe 1 centimeter of the ball, scratched the goal line.

2. I hate Super Sunday. It's like the Kentucky Derby and shit like that. People that couldn't give a shit about football all year long come out in droves to watch this spectacle. Let's face it, it's a made-for-TV event not meant for football fans, but for the rest of america. Think about the Derby. Unless you go to Monmouth Park to drink tastes and smoke stogies, you don't give a shit about horse racing. But you watch the derby. At least that's only 2 minutes long and there's no breaking the plain crap.

3. The Stones should hang it up. Nuff said.

4. John Madden should hang it up. He really, really sucks. He brings nothing to the table. His schtick is older than Keith Richards.

5. Al Michaels is the most overrated play-by-play man ever. If I knew in 1980 what I know now, I would've rooted for Russia to roll over Team USA, so that cat could never do his "Do You Believe in Miracles" crap and make a career for himself. The dude is so pompous, so arrogant. He is everything that football shouldn't be about, but everything it is about now.

6. I'd rather have Mike Martz coach my team than Mike Holmgren. At least when Martz has troubles with clock management, it's not a shock and his players know what to do. Yestrerday, at the end of each half, Holmgren when into total vapor-lock mode and cost his team - at the very least - 6 points. Maybe Favre's not overrated afterall.

7. Did I mention the NFL sucks.

8. Did I mention I'm counting the days until the Rams sked comes out.

9. If I have to read one more story about the SB commercials, it's Hary Cary time (and I don't mean the former cub announcer).

10. Beer count still at 12.

FAVRE AND (HOPEFULLY) AWAY

Ok, I know this post will anger a certain fan of fishingnotcatching, but I have to get this off my chest. It's been brewing for a few years, and I finally have a forum, and, believe it or not, it's timely.

Much has been made this week on ESPN about an interview with a certain overrated QB, who says he may be leaning toward retirement. His name, of course, if Brett Favre.

This is about the 4th straight offseason where this cat has hemmed and hawed about retiring or not. Well, I have two statements/questions regarding this annual soap opera.

1. WHO REALLY CARES
Besides people who have nothing better to do than put cheese on their head and clog their arteries with bratwurst and cheddar 24/7, nobody gives a crap about this dude - expect Jersey girl - of course.
I mean, honestly, what makes this guy so special? OK, he won ONE Super Bowl (so has Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson). He lost a Super Bowl his team had no right losing (so did Kurt Warner). He played 30 seconds after his dad died. He was in a Farrely brothers movie (so was Roger Clemens, Cam Neely and Ron Darling).
Besides that, what has he done? OK, he's put up some good passing numbers, but in reality, he's won ONE big game in his career. Let's not forget all the dogs he's put up. Remember the 6 INTs against the Rams in a playoff game. SIX. Remember the home playoff loss - at night - to Ron Mexico and crew. Basically, his dopey, hick act makes him lovable to the dopes in middle america who voted for 'W'. And that's it. This year, when he didn't have a championship team around him, he sh-t the bed all season.

2. PLEASE GO AWAY.
Honestly, Brett. If you actually decide to retire the NFL will go on without you. I mean, John Elway and Joe Montana - guys who have won more than 1 big game in their lives - have left, and I believe the NFL is still in business. The Packers will be OK. I mean, if they can go 5-11 with you, they can go 5-11 without you. And don't worry, the dopes in Northern Wisconsin will still go to Lambeau on Sunday even if you're home in Mississippi spitting tobaci. Please, for all of us, Brett, just go away. And please, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE, don't go into the broadcast booth. Dandy Don's act was funny 30 years ago. It won't work now.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y

The one thing about having kids is going out with just the Mrs. on a weekend night becomes a once-every-two month sort of thing. You have to plan, line up sitters. The whole deal. It's easier to stay home.

Well, last Saturday me and Mrs. Pendleton did something we hadn't done in a year - clear your dirty minds - we went to the movies --- AND DINNER on the same night.

Actually, I believe it was the first time me and her saw a movie in a theatre in about 13 months. DVD players and kids do that.

Anyway, after this one night out, I realize I'm not missing a damn thing.

Ok, the movie - King Kong - was great. The key is we went to a 4:45 show (it's 3 hours) and then afterwards, wanted to get a bite to eat. This is when the total bullsh-t began.

I got a gift certificate for my birthday to Outback Steakhouse. We went there around 8:15, only to find out the wait was 1 hour and 15 minutes. Are you f-cking kidding me?

Then we shot down Route 1 and were gonna check out Houlihans in New Brunswick. When we pulled to the front of the place, the site of about 25 people sitting on benches and the floor in the lobby prompted us to visit downtown Hub City.

After paying $5 to park in the New Brunswick, we headed to a joint called Tumultys. It's a good place. Pub grub for the most part. Some overrated electric train on the ceiling. Well we were in there about 2 minutes (which, by the way, was 1 hour and 10 minutes less than the wait for a table). We actually were going to wait in the downstairs bar and up the beer count a bit, but halfway down the stairs, the cloud of smoke started forming. We told the cat at the desk we'd see him in 6 months when the Great NJ smoking ban goes into effect and walked out.

Taking a shot, we then walked to the Harvest Moon in N.B., only to be told the wait was 90 minutes. I mean, are they giving out blowjobs with every meal or something? So I said to the wife, fuck this trendy shit and we headed to this great Italian joint in Franklin Twp. called Cafe Primavera.

If you've never been there, get there. Food is excellent, prices pretty good and there's no trendy a-holes there. No B.S. Just good food. We didn't have to wait a second for a table, and about 15 minutes later our food was there. The best is, it's one of the those joints where you can bring in your own booze. However, since I wasn't planning on going there - I was however planning on raising the beer count - I was taste less, and therefore the count is stuck on 12.

Listen, I'm not totally against waiting for a table if it's a quality restaurant. But if anyone thinks I'm gonna wait an hour for a blooming onion or wait 90 minutes to have some dopey RU student - I know, that's redundant - screw up my order. Think again.

I know. I'm officially old. But if being young is dealing with that crap every saturday, I can't wait til I'm 50.

LET'S GO HOME, LET'S GO HOME

Beer count: Stuck on 12.


OK, here now are the 10 worst sporting events I've attended. A few things to remember when reading this list. This will be judged on my personal experience. Therefore, while the game might've been good, my experience may have been terrible. Also, in some of these cases, I've excluded pre and post game schtick. You will see as you go on.

HERE GOES

1. May 19, 1998 - The Sandcastle, Atlantic City, NJ. Some day I'll tell my grandkids I was at the first ever Somerset Patriots Game. And then I will tell them what a hellish night it was. First of all, the event itself is a step above beer-league softball. The dudes that have no shot of sniffing single-A ball. Add to that a stadium swarming with green flies and clueless newspaper big-wigs and it's a recipe for hell. How bad were the flies? In the radio pregame show, the announcers were urging fans to bring Skin-So-Soft with them to fight the flies. Thankfully, me and my cronies only stayed one inning and the Irish Pub of A.C. was only a five-minute ride away. Unquestionably, the worst sporting event - if you can call it that - I ever attended.

2. July 30, 1989 - Wrigley Field, Chicago. My friend Rich always told me never, NEVER, plan a vacation around the Mets. They will ruin your trip everytime. This was my first lesson. Me, my brother and a friend of his drove all the way to Chitown to see the Mets and Cubs battle for the NL East crown. It was a Friday day game at Wrigley. Sunny, about 85 degrees. Perfect. Mets score 5 in the third - thanks to a Hojo 3-run bomb - to take a 5-2 lead. But Dave Cone and Dick Aguilera meltdown in the 7th as the Cubs score 4 times - the big blow a 2-run homer from some dude named Smith to take a 6-5 lead. With the Old Styles now flowing, the Mets try to battle back in the 9th. With one out and Mitch Williams on the hill, the dog of all dogs Juan Samuel gets a one-out pinch hit single, setting the stage for Hojo. Hojo lofts a little blooper behind short and it's obvious to everyone in the park that Shawon Dunston will catch it. Obvious to everyone execpt Samuel, who gets doubled off first to end the game. A horrible start to an awful weekend. I thought I learned a valuable lesson that day, but still, whenever I go on vacation, I plan it around a Met road trip. I;ll never learn.

3. October, 1992 - I think this is the year, but I can't be sure. Anyway, me, my wife (who was my fiance at the time) and a mutual female friend go to see Jets vs. Colts at Giants Stadium. The problem is, it's pouring rain. POURING rain. There must have been about 20,000 people at the stadium. We stayed for most of it - a 6-3 Colts' win and then head back to my parents house for some piazza. Honestly, this may have been my only realistic shot ever to pull off a threesome, but like the Jets offense, it never materialized. If it had, this would no doubt be No. 1 on the best all-time list. Anyway, an awful day.

4. Sept, 2004 - Rutgers Stadium. Ok, let me go on record as saying the pre and postgame hijinks were tremendous. I must've had about 15 Rheingolds and a few Amstel Lights while wandering between my tailgate and my friend steve's tailgate. But once inside RU stadium, the day took an awful turn. First of all, drinking tons of beer on an empty stomach and then walking into a packed stadium on a 95-degree, sunny day is not a good mix. What would've helped would've been a nice bottle of water. Of course, Rutgers was totally unprepared for any crowd over 20,000 and ran out of water before the first quarter ended. Needing some refreshment, I settled for a bottle of lemonade. Well, let me tell you - throwing cold lemonade into a stomach filled with nothing but Rheingold and some chips is a bad move. Let's just say after feeling like my stomach was going to explode - and me actually wishing it would - i spent most of the game testing Rutgers' plumbing system. Worst yet, after the game, I had to hear all the RU fans saying they were going to a bowl game because they beat Michigan State. Again, pre and post game was tremendous. But my experience at the game makes it a bad one.

5. October, 199ish - Jets vs. Chiefs at Giants Stadium. Nothing ruins a fun day at the stadium like seeing a dude get paralyzed. Yes, I was the Dennis Byrd game. No explanation needed.

6. July, 1984 - For the first time in my life the Mets are actually in the NL East race. They had beaten the Cubs on a Friday night at Shea to take a 1/2-game lead in the East, and then on Saturday, Doug Sisk blew a game, setting the stage for a Banner Day Double Dip at Shea. Of course, the Mets get swept and the season is pretty much over. Shitty day.
As you can tell, I'm running out of steam here.

7. March 30, 2004 - Knicks vs. Blazers at Garden. Let me preface this by saying I hate the NBA. Every player is an a-hole, the game itself is a fucking bore and did I mention every player in the league is an A-hole? Anyway, I had to be at work in the city real early the next day (like 5 a.m. early) so my company hooked me up with a hotel room across the street from the Garden and some Knicks tix. Let's say, I've never had a bigger non-drinking enduced headache at a sporting event like I had at this game. If it wasn't the loud music blaring during timeouts and during actual gameplay (another reason I hate the NBA), I had some dame screaming in my ear the entire tilt. I couldn't wait for the game to end, unfortunately I was at an NBA game, and they take forever to end. MISERABLE.

8. October, 2000 - The Big Shea. Once again, worked hooked me up with some Mets playoff tickets. It was Game 3 of the NLCS againt the Cards. In case you've forgotten, the Mets took the first two at Busch and were primed for a sweep. So me and my neighbor get into the city around 1:30 for a 4 p.m. first pitch and start eating and drinking - on his company's dime - at ESPN zone. We hop on the 7 train around 3 and roll into Shea just in time to see the Mets totally mail one in. I think the Cards got 4 runs in the first and after Mike (Padre) Piazza kills a first-inning rally with a tailor-made DP, the Cards get a few more. Me and my neighbor were back in Times Square - eating and drinking for free again - by the 7th inning. Of course, to rub it in, the Mets roll the next two games and reach the Series.

9. Sept. 1, 2000 - Texas A&M at Notre Dame - If there's on sports combo I can't stand it's football and heat. Honestly. I could watch a grid tilt in -20 temps and never complain. However, I can't stand watching football in any weather hotter than 80 degrees. I mean, I could watch a baseball tilt in 100-degree temps and have fun, but for some reason, to me, football and heat don't mix. So obviously a jam-packed Notre Dame Stadium and 100-degree heat was not a good mix. Add to that some yahoo sitting in front of us yapping about how great the Texas A&M band is and you get the picture. How hot was it? Me and the three guys I went with sat in the interior of the stadium for most of the third quarter. The only highlight was my friend Joe snapping a picture of Jerry Faust (whom, for some reason, is still loved in South Bend).

10. October 20, 2004 - Beaver Stadium. The final score, I believe was Iowa 6, Penn State 4. Yes, a total of 8 points scored. In addtion to brutally boring football, I didn't even get to sit with the guys I went to the game with. Now, this is a case where pre and postgame schtick has been excluded, because the before and after was tremendous. But, based on game only, this was a horror show.

So that's a glimpse into my miserable sports existence. For those of you included in this list, it's nothing personal.

Beer count: Stuck on 12

Well, it's been a week since I was at the world's most overrated arena for Mark Messier night, and I have to say I'm still pumped up over it. It got me thinking about where it ranks among other sporting events I have attended. So, for my first list of 2006, here are my top 10 sporting events.

1. January 30, 2000 - Super Bowl XXIV Rams 23, Titans 16: What a thrill to see the Rams, the team that has killed me my entire life win the Super Bowl in person. Of course, they couldn't make it easy on me, killing me until the very last second, but it was well worth it. I do have to say, the city of Atlanta is a joke. How they ever got the Olympics there is beyond me, but it's a day I'll never forget.

2. April 2, 1985 - Mets opening day. Ah, the 80's, when public drunkeness at baseball games not only wasn't frowned upon, it was encouraged. A chilly day at Shea in which Harry M. Stevens made about $80 in beer money off me ends with Gary Carter, in his Met debut, homering in the bottom of the ninth to beat Neal Allen and the Cards. It was the first real sign a championship at Shea wasn't too far away. Another day I'll never forget.

3. April, 1997 - The last ever Hartford Whaler game. As a big supporter of the Whale, this was quite a sad day. However, I will always remember it since my wife and I won the "Whaler ticket upgrade" contest. It's pretty much where some schill for the team picks out two people in the nosebleeds and gives them two great seats. Well, I won it that day, and we even got on the video screen walking from the upper level to the lower lever. So, remember, if you ever get on Jeopardy or Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and the question is "Who was the last person ever to win a ticket upgrade at a Hartford Whalers game?" you will now know the answer.

4. Dec. 6, 1988 - It's rare that an NFL regular season game would make it this high, but this game is historic on several fronts. First, it was my initial Jet tilt with the Professor and Pops. Two, it was the game that set the stage for instant replay in the NFL. In case you have forgotten, it was the Jets-Seahawks tilt in which Vinny Testaverde, on a fourth and goal with teh game on the line, tried a QB sneak, but came up about 4 yards short. The refs, however, after discussing it for a few minutes, gave him a touchdown, helping the Jets to a division title and Dennis Erickson to the unemployment line. What's sad is, after having about 20 beers and sittting 3 rows from the top of Giants Stadium, I could see Testaverde didn't score. Anyway, the day ended with me - now 5 hours after the game - not being able to drive home and my wife coming to pick me up at a Dunkin Donuts in Old Bridge. In that Dunkin Donuts parking lot she told me she was preggers with our first kid. What a day.

5. Sept. 1995 - Cal Ripken ties Lou Gehrig's record. OK, I couldn't get tickets for the record breaker, but this was good enough. Me and my friend Steve got out picture taken with Johnny Unitas, and I got to see Joan Jett walk on the field after the game. It was a pretty hard core night.

6. August 11, 2005 - Round 1 of the PGA Championship at Baltusrol. It was hot, real hot. Not a great day to be drinking. But hey, who cares. Anyway, on the second tee, me and Steve were about 2 feet from Tiger Woods when he teed off. I never heard a ball make a sound like that. The highlight, however, came after he teed off on the third hole and we got to see Eldrick go into a port-o-john.

7. Nov. 2, 1997 - I think the year is right. Anyway, me, steve and two others attended the Chicago Bulls home opener. Ok, you say, no big deal. However, we had seats on the floor right behind one basket. At halftime, I talked movies with the late, great Gene Siskel. DUring the game we got Dennis ROdman to wave at us and we also got to see Jordan up close in his home field. Even better, we had been the Penn State at Northwestern that day, and had Redskins-Bears and Penguins-Blackhawks on tap for the next day. My only regret is I didn't get to call Ahmad Rashad Bobby Moore to his face.

8. March, 2004 - Ok. State vs. St. Joe's regional final at Meadowlands. Let me say this right off the bat, the Meadowlands Arena is an awful place as far as atmosphere is concerned. Sure, every seat is a good one, but the place is dead most of the time. Not this day. A great game from start to finish, ending with Jameer Nelson's 3 falling just short. Probably the best hoop game I've ever seen.

9. Sept 14, 2002 - Nebraska at Penn State football. A night game in Happy Valley is hard to beat, especially when you play golf at 9 a.m., get hit on by some chick working at the snack bar at the golf course, start drinking at noon, and then trip the light fantastic after the titl. Game was great, too. I've gone on record as saying that it's the loudest I've ever heard any stadium when PSU scored a defensive TD in the second half. Of course, I was 3 sheets to the wind by then, so maybe I was just hearing things. As it turned out, Nebraska was lousy that year and a win over them wasn't really a big deal, but for one night, it was a great game.

10. Aug. 20, 1993 - Mets at Phillies. You won't see this one on ESPN classic, but I remember it because it was the night of my bachelor party. Basically, 30-plus cats loaded into a bus filled with beer and cheese sandwiches in Woodbridge, NJ and headed to the Vet. Needless to say, mayhem ensued. All I remember about the game is it was Bobby Jones' big league debut and Tim Bogar hit an inside the park HR for the Metsies. Plus, one dude in our party got lost and after waiting in the Vet parking lot for him for about 3 hours, we left without him. Anyway, it was great time. Probably deserves to be higher than 10, but that's it.

Coming next week. The bottom 10. Stay tuned.

WHALE OF A WEEKEND

Beer count: Stuck on 12.

Still no beer since Jan. 2. The scary thing is I don't miss it. Real scary. Although, if I have to watch another weekend of this bullshit product called the NFL, the vodka count will skyrocket.

Ok, the Colt-Steeler game was great, but why? Because NFL refs have their heads up their arses. Not only the Palumala INT being overturned, but the no-call on the offsides/illegal motion play on 4th-and-1 late in the game. ARE YOU KIDDDING ME?

And then, in the Bears-Cats game, they award the Bears Dude a TD when he cleary went out of bounds at the 3 and fumbled out of the end zone. I can't wait for the refs to screw up big time in a Super Bowl and finally people will realize what a flawed product the NFL and football in general is. I mean, I hate the Patriots, but that INT call against them Saturday night was completely bogus. It cost them 7 points.

As for football in general, most of the game depends on where 50-year-old men standing 20 yards away spot the ball where they think they saw the runner go with it.

However, as long as there is beer and gambling in this country, the NFL will continue to be huge.

One final thought: If the Steelers don't win Sunday, there will be absolutely no juice for the Super Bowl. Denver vs. Seattle? ZZZZZZZZZZ. Denver vs. Carolina? Snooze fest.

Lost in the all this NFL talk is the amazing play of the Hartford Whalers/Carolina Hurricanes. This team just refuses to lose. Ask the Flyers. Anyway, I'm already planning my trip to Carolina for the Stanley Cup Parade. By the way, nice job by the Islanders letting Pete Laviolette go.

Anyway, that's all for now.
I'll adress Mark Messier night, Howard Stern and Joe Pa's "She was hot, he should've raped her" comment in a day or two.

HITCH YOUR WAGON

BEER COUNT: Stuck on 12.

Yes, I made it through an NFL playoff weekend without one beer. Hard to believe. If I were a Giant fan, the number would be about 40, but it's stuck on 12.

Some random thoughts.

1. The Giants suck. I'm sooooooooooooooooo happy they were exposed as frauds on Sunday. I'm even happier, Tiki was exposed as a bigger fraud. What a wonderful end to an overrated season.

2. I read that Dr. James Andrews had a heart attack. Does this mean pro athletes with elbow woes are sunk?

3. My condolences to the family of Ram great Jack Snow, who died Monday of a staph infection. What a friggin way to go.

4. One of the best TV shows - THE SHEILD - has its season premier tonight. If you have never seen it, check it out, it rocks. 10 p.m. FX.

5. 24 season premier just five days away

6. Mark Messier night just two days away

That's all for now.

WELCOME TO 2006

Well, it's 2006 and although the year is only 3 days old, I wonder what's the over/under for wishing someone Happy New Year.

Honestly, if you see a friend for the first time on Jan. 10, do you say Happy New Year? Just wondering. Anyway, with a new year here, I'm gonna make a few predictions for 2006. Here goes.

1. I will lose weight. I say this every year, but I actually mean it this time. Me and my brothers are having a competition to see who can lose the most weight. There's cash involved. I'm actually motivated.

2. I will buy a bike. I haven't had one in about 20 years. I'm gonna buy one and actually ride. I wonder if the term "it's just like riding a bike" actually applies to riding a bike.

3. I will be mean to anyone who watches reality TV. And this includes my wife and kids. They watch it all, as for me, the only Surivor I'll support are the dudes who sang "High on You." I hate reality TV. Of course, if Fox starts looking for contestants for Blogging with the Stars, I may have to change my tune.

4. I will get sucked in by the Mets. I'm sure sometime around mid-July, they will be leading the NL East. I will start thinking about playoff baseball back at Shea and they will break my heart. I know it's coming, I just can't stop it.

5. I will really get sucked in by the Rangers. They will reach the Eastern Confernce Finals and will be up 3-2 on Ottawa, and then it will all fall apart. I'll never learn.

6. I'll drink plenty of beers. As a matter of fact, I plan on counting the exact number of beers I'll have this year. I will start every post with beer counter. As of 3:49 p.m. on Jan 3, the count is at 12. I had 7 on Sunday and 5 Monday. No plans for any more this week. Check back after Saturday for an update. So at this pace, I'll have 1,460 beers this year.

I'm gonna set the over/under at 620 (that's 12 a week). Considering I'm at 12 3 days in, the over looks pretty good. However, there will be - believe it or not - weeks where I go without drinking at all. Of course, there will be days where I can bang down about two week's worth. For those of you dumb enough to even think about taking the under, a tip, I don't drink anything but beer. Since I'm now 40, I've considered going the wine route or even rum or crap like that. But you know what, screw that stuff. It's beer, beer and only beer.

7. I'll lose count by mid-February. I got loaded Friday night and couldn't even guess how many beers. I had. Of course, I could lose interest, too.

8. I'll go to the movies this year. With the invention of kids, DVD players and $13 tickets, getting to the movies isn't a real priority. However, I'm sure I'll get there once or twice.

9. The only three non-sports related TV shows I'll watch all year will be 24, Medium and Without a Trace. Everything else sucks. These three kick total arse.

10. I will provide more interesting posts than this one. It's not a good way to start the year, but I promise I'll rebound.

Happy New Year (hope it's not too late).