SWANK AND A MISS

It's late Sunday night and I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from this weekend.
Believe it or not, I'm drinking just my third beer since last Friday's shenanigans, but am gearing up for a taste-filled trip Wednesday to Fenway.

Anyway, this weekend I did schtick with a two-time Academy Award winner, was shown on Ch. 7 News and even played the role of a bartender. Here's a breakdown of the weekend.


Head to Shea Stadium Friday for a wild Mets-Yankees game. On the 7 train platform in Times Square, who do I spot but none other than the million dollar baby herself, Hillary Swank. Now, Mrs. Pendleton gets mad because I have a habit of saying someone is a celebrity, but it's really just someone who looks like that celebrity, but I knew immediately it was her.

I sat next to the dude she was with on the Subway, and after arriving at Shea and seeing that she busted out a Mets hat, I figured it was time to do some schtick. Here's how the conversation went:

JP: "I'm a big fan of yours, and I don't want you to think I'm stalking you."
HS: (Uncomfortable smile)
JP: "It's nice to see you are a Mets fan
HS: (A little more comfortable smile)
JP: "I mean, most people from Hollywood are fake Yankee fans."
HS: "WHAT?"
JP: "Seriously, they say they are Yankee fans because it's the cool thing to do."
HS: "Well, how do you know I'm not a fake Mets fan."
JP: "Good point. Well, they need all they help they can get, so it doesn't matter."
HS: Laughs.
JP: "Well, enjoy the game.
HS: "You too."
If it wasn't 7:05 at this point and I couldn't see the Mets taking the field while I was still on the subway platform, I would've done a little more schtick, but it was game time.

Once inside Shea, I have to say it was one of the wildest games I ever saw. And it's not everyday you see a Randy Johnson meltdown, an A-Rod error and Mariano blow it in the same game. It was sweet. Also, the dude I was with has a friend who is a ch. 11 cameraman, so the two of us were shown a few times during the game and they even showed us going crazy after the MEts won - a shot that was repeated on ch. 7 news.

Of course, the euphporia of Friday night was immediately wiped out by the crap that went down Saturday afternoon, but Sunday's Met win made it a nice weekend.

As for the bartender gig, as part of a charity event, I worked in a concession stand Saturday night at the Somerset Patriots (unaffiliated Atlantic League bs baseball) game. I was the beer dude/cashier. Let me tell you, that is friggin hard work. I now know why the normal people take their sweet time. It's because A: They don't give a shit and B: The slower they go, the better the odds of people leaving their line and going somewhere else. It really is hard work. It was fun do to it one night, but if I had to make a living doing it, I would shoot myself.

The highlight of the game is the team the Patriots were playing had a dude named Gary Johnson on the team. Of course, that's the name of the main character in Team America World Police, and everytime that dude was introduced I started laughing my ass off.

One last thing, I was watching Fargo on BRAVO Saturday night and those bastards actually cut a lot of the scene between Marge and Mike Yamagida. They cut his whole "I'm so lonely" shctick. I was pissed.

Anyway, that's old Joe's weekend. I'm now going to pop in Season 5 of 90210 - when Swank played the married mom dating Steve Sanders - and pleasure myself.

THEY SAID YOU WAS HUNG; THEY WAS RIGHT

The beer count made a huge jump Friday night, I'm not exactly sure how many, but it usually takes about 15 to induce vomiting, so let's call it 15.

Yes, Friday night was the first time I heaved due to drinking in quite a long time. Got to say it would be a brutal experience if I wasn't loaded at the time.

Anyway, Saturday morning gave me a good refresher courses in the many different stages of hangover I experience a day after drinking like that. I'm sure everyone's hangover experience is different, but here what usually happens to me.

STAGE ONE: Waking up. The first 10 minutes of the day I'm in pure amazment that I actually feel great and ready to tackle the day. The thought of going for a bike ride or run actually crosses my mind. I just can't believe how great I feel. I can't wait to drink some more tonight.

STAGE TWO (10 minutes later): While I don't have a huge headache, I realize how tired I am. I think I'll just stay in bed.

STAGE 3 (5 minutes later). I think I'm gonna puke again. Man I feel like shit. I'll never drink again.

STATGE 4 (1-2 hours later). After falling back asleeep and waking up, the day actually begins. I'm exhausted, don't feel like eating, and now I'm filled with deep thoughts about how lucky I am to have two great kids, a great wife and live in a nice hut. Then I start thinking about how stupid it is to get drunk and miss out on some moments with the wife and kids.

STAGE 5 (30 minutes later). Paranoia sets in. If I've been out drinking I wonder just how much money I spent, did I go to the MAC machine, if so, how much did I take out. What stupid things did I say, do, try to do. Is my wife pissed at me? Do my neighbors hate me? I can't remember anything.

STAGE 6 (1 HOUR LATER). I have to do something to prove to the wife I can handle this. I get my arse outside, cut the grass or do some sort of chore to show I'm not totally in the tank (which I am).

STAGE 7 (1 HOUR LATER). Extreme tiredness sets in. I want to lay on the couch and watch the Mets. It's a great feeling. I could do this all day, but here comes stage 8

STAGE 8 (1-2 HOURS LATER). EXTREME HORNINESS SETS IN. Not sure what brings it on, but it happens. I get off the couch and find the wife, but she (and I can't blame her) doesn't feel like dropping whatever she's doing to screw a tired, hungover dude who still smells like a brewery. She hints at some nocturnal activity later, and I'm sent back to the couch. Where stage 9 set in.

STAGE 9 (30 minutes later). I fall asleep while watching the Mets or some other sporting event. Problem is, it's like sleeping on plane where you keep waking up and you're not sure exactly how much sleep you are actually getting.

STAGE 10 (1 hour later). Normalcy is returning as is my appetitte. A McDonald's quarter pounder with cheese would be the best meal in this spot, but due to diet and lack of a McDonald's in my back yard, I settle for peanut butter and jelly and some chocolate milk.

STAGE 11 (1 hour later). I'm completely back to my old self. I'm not tired anymore, no paranoia - I'm able to laugh off the entire night before. How do I celebrate? Crack open a cold one.

There you have it.

Some other notes:

-- Speaking of celebrating, good riddance to Marty Brodeur and the douchebag Devils. You know it's the mark of a team on the decline when a division championship team that was talking about the Stanley Cup just a week ago can take it's only solace in the fact that it swept an injury-riddled team in the first round.

-- When the Canes win the Cup, I want two things. I want them to take that damn cup and parade it through the streets of Hartford for the loyal Whale fans. Then, I want Peter Laviolette to take it to Mike Modano's house and knock him over the head with it.

-- Mark you calendar. Friday, June 9: The great Allen Oldies Band will be playing Maxwell's in Hoboken. In a May show there last year, they played from 10 p.m.-3:30 a.m. WITHOUT TAKING A BREAK. If you are free that night, you must go.

That's all for now.

ROWDY RODDY

Well, it seems the geniuses in Hollywood have done it again - they've remade another one of my favorite movies starring Roddy McDowall.

First, they tried with Planet of the Apes and the result may have been the biggest piece of shiite ever to hit the big screen.

And now, they are trying it again with Poseidon.

In case you haven't seen the orginal Poseidon Adventure (what the hell is wrong with you if you haven't), the great McDowall plays Acres, a ship steward, who comes up with the great idea of helping Gene Hackman out by telling him to climb the upside down X-Mas tree. Of course, poor Acres buys it about 20 minutes later when he falls "down" the big steam pipe on the ship, but his performance is one you will never forget.

Anyway, these clowns in Hollywood have to leave the work of the late great McDowall alone.

I swear if a new Batman movie comes out with someone playing the Bookworm, I may lose my friggin mind.

What's next, a remake of That Darn Cat?

One more Hollywood note: How great is it that Tom Cruise's latest movie is becoming a box office flop. It just goes to show you how much influence religion has in this country. Think about it, the religious right got Bush re-elected and now it is helping ruin the career of a dude who took a nice Catholic girl, knocked her up and turned her into an alien-fearing lunatic.
You stay classy, America.

Som other notes:
Nice work from D.J. Star in threatening the 4-year-old daughter of a DJ at another station on the air. Class move, pal. While it's clear the dude should've been fired and jailed, the real story is the feeding frenzy for Howard Stern's listeners who haven't gotten Sirius yet. I mean, Free FM (lamest name ever for a radio statio) has brought on O & A-hole to Stern's spot. Well you know what boys in terrestial radio, it's not going to work. If people (like me) miss Stern that much, they will get Sirius. If they aren't ready to shell out $13 a month for it, they will likely just put on their I-pods and listen to music instead of some cheap Stern ripoff.

I have to say, if you are a Stern fan and haven't gotten Sirius, you are missing out. He goes about 50 minutes without a commerical, and when he breaks, it's about 2-3 minutes tops. It's friggin hilarious, his best work since Butt Bongo Fiesta.

One last note: If you haven't seen the Aaron Rowand catch from last night, make sure you do. That dude could play for my squad any day.

That's it for now.

PS: Mark your calendars for June 9. That's when the Allen Oldies Band will play Maxwell's in Hoboken. The link to their site is on the left.

PPS: This post is more of a public service to Jersey Girl, who wanted to Star Jones picture removed. This is the best I can do.

DOES THIS MAKE YOU HORNY?

A few notes from over the weekend.

First, as you'll all notice, I've dumped the black backround. I hope all you whiny bitches out there are happy about this.

Second: The beer count hit triple digits on Saturday (105). As predicted, I banged down many a free taste at the First Communion party on Saturday. I then returned home and had several more freebies on my next door neighbor. I closed out the night with some chinese food. Needless to say, Sunday morning I was the perfect picture of stench.

As for Sunday morning, I played softball for the second straight Sunday. Problem is I didn't properly stretch before hand and therefor my thighs now feel as I just had a 45-minute lap dance from Star Jones. Talk about Stench.

One last thing for all you hockey fans out there. CHeck out this link. http://www.2khockey.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=7762&st=0/

It's an audio file of every NHL goal horn.
Needless to say after Saturday's festivities, the Pendleton children are quite sick of the Hurricanes horn, since it felt as if it were on a continuous loop. I warned them, there is more to come.

I had the Springsteen CD in my hand last Tuesday at Best Buy (I was there to pick up Pearl Jam's latest album - which I must say is pretty damn good), but put it back. I'm going to by my second CD in a week (and the last 10 years) this Tuesday, when the Flea and Boys' latest realease - Stadium Arcadium - hits the shelves. I must say I was really set to buy the Bruce CD this week, but I saw in the Best Buy circular there is a now 2-DVD Poseidon Adventure set out. I already own the original, but if this one has even 10 seconds of Roddy McDowell comentary, consider it bought.

As for Bruce, shame on him for charging $92 face value for tix at the PNC Bank Arts Center. At least the seats where you could sit in the rain and watch the show on a video screen are only $50. Not suprisinly, all the lemmings the Garden State have already scooped up the tickets. I'm telling ya, as a goof, the dude should do a show where he just sits on a couch and watches TV for two hours and see how many people pay out their ass to see that.

Last thing, another great website to check out is www.jerseycitysnakes.com

BACK IN BLACK

To celebrate the 10-year anniversary of fishingnotcatching.blogspot.com, we've changed the look a little bit. I hope you like it.

A few things:

I just stopped at my local Quick Chek to pick up some milk. On my way out, these two skanky broads were arguing about something or other. As one of the dames walked away, the other dame - with me standing about 3 feet from her - yells at the top of her lungs "I'M THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS TOWN WHO DIDN'T GET LAID TONIGHT AND I'M FUCKING HORNY."

After hearing this, I quickly realized I had three options.
1. Make some sort of wisecrack about how it's quite understandable no dude would ever consider slipping her the bone.

2. Offer her a spot in my backseat to make sure everyone in town has gotten some.

3. Get in my car, lock the doors and get the fuck out of there.

Of course, I chose 2 (just kidding). I really wanted to go with No. 1, never considered No. 2, but chose door No. 3 and got the fuck out of there.

As I sit here typing this, I realize that I've been wrong all my life.

You see, I've always lived with the belief that any dame (hot or ugly, fat or smelly) could have sex whenever she wanted. For every ugly dame out there, there is an even hornier, more shamless dude. But seeing that this dame, who clearly had no reservations proclaiming not only her horniness, but her absolute desire to act on it, couldn't get any standing in front of a convenience store at 3 a.m., I realized that premise was incorrect.

You learn something new everyday.

Onto the next subject: Thinking about my beer count this week and targeting specific high-volume dates, I realized May could drive the count well over 150 (it's about 98 right now).

Here are the dates:
Today, May 3: I'm off from work and am planning a nice night in front of the TV watching Mets-Pirates and then Flames-Ducks. Predicited amount: 6 tastes.

Saturday, May 6: Going to a first communion party during the day, hockey playoffs at night. Predicted amount: 10 tastes.

Skip ahead to Weds, May 25: Me and three friends are heading to Fenway for Yankees-red Sox. We plan on arriving in Beantown around 1:30 p.m. for the 7 p.m. start and head back to Jersey on Thursday morning. 1 t hing to remember, our hotel is within walking distance of the Fens. (Predicited amount: 25 tastes: Figure about 10-12 before the game, 2-3 during the game, 8 postgame).

Friday, May 27: The National Holiday known as Saw Mill Day. Back in the day, me and two friends would head down the Saw Mill on the wonderful Seaside Heights boardwalk and drink Mickey Big Mouths all day to kick off Memorial Day Weekend. Now, it's a few friends in my backyard playing Wiffle ball for a few hours and drinking (Predicted amount: 10 beers).

Sunday, May 29: My wife's brother's brother in law rents one of those picnic boxes at Monmouth Park and provides us with free food and tastes all day (Predicted amount: 10 beers)

Monday, May 30: Memorial Day. My kids enjoy heading to lovely Somerville New Jersey for a bike racing event called the Tour of Somerville. I believe you can drink in public this day, but I will keep the count down since I have to return to work on Tuesday (Predicted amount: 4 beers).

So that's about 65 and that's not including random tastes with the neighbors on the weekends. I'll keep everyone posted.

again, I hope you like the new look and go Whalers.